This will be confusing, because my mind is confused.
I can’t forget my past. I am so down when I think about
the things that have happened to me. But I got over those
things in a way, because I managed to start my own business
and now have a lovely house and enough money. But nothing
seems to get done quickly enough. The house needs sorting out,
bathrooms need redoing etc. I work from home and I there is
always something else that needs doing. It all gets too much
and I get to the point where there is so much to do that I end up doing
nothing at all. All I want to do is go back to bed and cry.
My partner has been helping me lose weight because I thought
It was that making me unhappy. I have lost 6 stone and still feel
terrible. I don’t trust him either, because of the way we met and the
fact he left someone else for me, and before that he left his wife for her.
He does his best to try and persuade me that he won’t cheat on me, but I don’t believe him. I stopped him from going out with his friends and he only goes out with me now. Put I still think he sneaks round to see others when he says he is at work.
I feel lonely; I lost all my friends because of my past, and have no idea how to make new ones. I have tried evening classes and things, but that didn’t work.
I don’t believe in God, maybe I would feel better if I did, but my logic tells me
that is all nonsense.
I keep thinking about going to counselling, but then feel I am being silly and
realise so many people in the world are so much more worse off than me.
I feel selfish to try to get some attention. Yet I want attention so badly.
I have never felt like I am number one to someone and I feel I need that.
Counselling won’t give me someone who wants to put me first, just someone
who wants me to pay them.
Sometimes I think I should just stop trying to be with someone and just be
on my own. I feel abandoned by the world, by everything and everyone.
It will only be a matter of time before my partner finds someone new
and takes off. I am too much like hard work.
I try to think ahead to what I would want in the future, but it all looks
so grim. I just don’t know what would make me happy, what does make
someone happy? I can’t have children, but I so have a dog, he helps a lot,
He gets me out of the house. But I sit here day in and day out alone, waiting
for my partner to get home from work, and constantly worried about what
He is doing.
I took along time off work a bit back, I thought it was all getting too much for me, like I had burned myself out with all the constant work to be a success. But now I just think why should I carry on?? I did have a few good days of working hard When I got back, but then my pc died and put a stop to that, another thing to sort out.
I start to ask myself why am I here? Why carry on?? There must be some
Kind of point to life, surely?
I don’t know whether I should leave this guy who reminds me of my past and try to move on, but move on to what? I have no idea what to do, where to go or anything.
Story shared: 12/09/2006 16:39:05
Comments
Add you're comment