Chelsea
My girlfriend, Chelsea, and I had been dating for almost a year.
I truly did love her, and I knew it was true, because it's the longest relationship I've ever been in and past relationships haven't been as completing, or were simply infatuation.
I thought she loved me with the same intensity and happiness that I loved her with.
About a month and a week ago she told me, very reluctantly, but as if she wanted to get it off her chest, that she had been at over at someones house and her ex-boyfriend was there. He told her that he still loved her. Chelsea told me this and I became very emotional because I didn't know what was coming next. My first thought that next it was going to be "And I'm sorry Mike, but I just can't keep this relationship going. I have to leave you." She remained silent, and I, scared and shaking, asked her how she responded to him. She said that she told him she couldn't go back to him, because she is in a relationship with me, and that we loved each other. I was so happy to hear her say that and I embraced her so tightly.
Then a week later she, over the internet, told me she wanted to take a break from our relationship. Now I have never, ever experienced such feelings in my life, and I have had numerous intimate relationships, but when she told me that I started breathing funny, crying (a rare occurence) and I had my first anxiety attack. I fell to the floor of my room and I threw up, and I couldn't even move I was just crying and shaking, so helpless, having no idea what to do or say.
Two days later, I was still in very bad shape, hadn't recovered at all, she told me she wanted to break up with me, and not just have a temporary break from our relationship. I was devestated. I felt like ending myself right there. I grabbed a sharp knife from my kitchen and, for the first time in my life, came within seconds of suicide before fainting.
All of this may sound extreme, and it is. I have never experienced any of these happenings before.
About two or three days after that I saw on her online screen-name that she was not dating the guy who had told her that he still loved her. Damaged beyond repair: that's the only way I can explain how I felt at that precise moment when I found out. I felt so useless, and I felt so worthless, and I felt so alone. I sinked into an extreme depression for a couple of days.
About a week after that she had broken up with this guy, and I was slightly happier, although still in a purely negative, self-destructive state.
She told me that she wanted to come to my little brother's birthday party, because she wanted to talk to me ("don't worry, it's nothing bad or anything"). For the first time in almost a month I smiled and I couldn't wait until she could talk to me. The way she worded things and everything she said made it feel like she was going to get back together with me for sure. I was so happy. I cleaned my room, stopped drinking as I had been heavily for a while because of the situation, and I just started feeling revitalized.
Saturday, the party day, came, and so did she. She came into my room, and we closed my door for privacy so we could talk. I sat in my desk chair and she chose to stand. Awkward moment, but I was still confident that she would want me in her life again, and I so wanted her!!!
She told me that she still really likes me, and that she just hasn't been without a boyfriend for a while and that she just wants to be alone right now, but that us getting back together is a definate possibility in the future.
It is now Monday, two days after this. I am feeling depressed, not holding up too well. Feel like taking a dirt nap. In so much pain.
I know that most will question why I am still depressed at all, and most will see what she said at the party as being good to me, but there is no way to make anyone understand.
I feel really selfish wanting her to come back to me immediately, when she wants to be alone for a while, but there's no way of explaining why I want to be with her so bad.
There is some sort of force driving me. I know I love her. I'm not going to be stalking her or anything, but I just want to be with her more than anything. That's all I want.
I hope she comes back to me, or I don't know what will happen to me.
I love her so much.
Story shared: 15/01/2007 21:47:41
#74 View the comments about this story love - loss - Chelsea - sad - depressed - depression - mike - michael - torture - agony - anxiety
Comments
"About two or three days after that I saw on her online screen-name that she was not dating the guy who had told her that he still loved her."
Remove the "not" from that sentence, and things will make sense.
But your a tiny bit over emotional man,, u need to jus take things a little more mellow and make urself not so dependant on her for all ur happiness. Its hard for anyone to take on an emotional dependant,, and i've been both sides of the fence on that one too. Be happy for her, not because of her. You know what ur desires are but think about her's a little,, i dont meen revolve all your action about her but u get the picture, its always a 2 way thing and the pressure that ur happiness is reliant on her doesn't help. Need to overcome thoes inner fears and insecurities a little,,,, its complicated but i should hope you'l be better off for doing so
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