Master of our fate or victim of our circumstances?
I hope writing my story will help me in some way and maybe help someone else in a similar situation. I’m approaching my mid 20’s with a good education, friends and living comfortably.
My life has changed a lot over the past 2 years. I was happily living away from home at University with a carefree life style, friends and a doting boyfriend. Towards my final year at University I suffered from mild depression with stress, low self esteem and being over–emotional. I became wrapped up in myself, paranoid about what people thought and began shutting people out who tried to help. This was my way of coping, maybe not the best way but what I felt was right for me.
Unlike my friends, I come from a very discontented, strict, inexpressive family who I have never confided in and have always distances myself away from after having a very unhappy childhood. My only forms of emotional support were my friends and my loving boyfriend who I adored and gave every part of myself to. But the relationship ran into problems when we moved to our different home cities. The distance was making things difficult as we hardly ever saw each other, he was from a strict Muslim family and I was the secret non-Muslim Chinese girlfriend, who only his mother knew about. During this time promises were made and broken, and many hurtful words spoken like all troubled relationships – it’s true that you always hurt the people u love the most.
At the time, still coping with my own personal struggles with finding a direction in life and self esteem I decided to salvage what was left of that relationship by moving down to London to be closer to him. I got myself a job in a career I really didn’t want and on a pathetic salary. This was a receipt for disaster but I felt this was my only chance of happiness with someone I loved. Slowly everything began to fall apart and the relationship was slipping through my fingers. I had a difficult boss, poor pay, living in a horrible area and my so-called ‘friends’ had begun to distance themselves with me as I became negative and I wasn’t making a new life in the big smoke.
My boyfriend became distant with me as I became more emotional and depressive -like a moth to a flame I craved his attention more. I believe some relationships are like a vase: it breaks you fix it, it breaks again you fit, it breaks and you fit it again until the pieces don’t fit anymore. After 3 years together we broke up but with a helping hand from his strict Muslim father who wasn’t happy with me and refused to acknowledge my existence. No doubt if his father wasn’t so judgement and prejudice things would not have ended the way it did. This broke my heart, damaged my confidence and hurt my pride – I had never felt so emotionally abused. I changed a lot about myself and moved my life just to be with him and I felt so betrayed. In a way if I had never made any of my decision I would have always thought ‘what if?’
Eventually realising that life isn’t going to get better unless you do something I decided to quit my job, listen to what I wanted and not others, believe in myself and evaluate my life at my pace. I still haven’t regained my ambition and direction in life but I’m slowly on the mend. Sorry if I’ve gone on with myself but I’d love to hear what people about my situation?
Story shared: 08/01/2007 17:19:51
#70 View the comments about this story love - hurt - religion - emotion - Hope - lost
Comments
But thats tradgic tho,, i went though a time when i nearly done the same.. met a girly, was long distance,, became a depressed over-emotional person and i think jus pushed her away with it... was gonna go down near her place and jus camp out in a tent and find a job but then fear of the whole world and its intentions kicked in and i just never left the house for 2 months stright and still took me all the way till now to get it togeather again.
But your situation isn't a pretty one and it'l take a bit of everything to get yourself out of it.. just find someway or soemone that's gonna help u build ur confidence back up and give u a bit of a boost through the days.. just make sure u find some1 coz u know there about someplace,, i made the best of one of my friends that i jus about managed to hlod contact with and he pretty much singl handedly got me though.. and i always had people on the computer as well,,, i will always be greatfull for all thoes people.
Like you said your gonna have to get every last thing thats a problem to u in check and do it througherly too.. then like pins in a hay stack, you'l have to remove each, one at a time untill there all gone.. its jus how commited u are that'l make the time go quicker.
Anyway, hope you can find yourself on this one
You never know how things can work out.
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