"If life is one big joke, I dont get it"
I always loved that quote, mostly because its so true.
Im 17 and have been..."consciously" unhappy since I was about 9 which is a depressing thought in itself, why on earth would a 9 year old be depressed? Ive never really found out why Im so unhappy, I am constantly thinking about it. I blamed my bad luck in health for it but now that I seem to be all "normal" I dont have anything to blame. There is a quote on House MD if any have watched it which I just understood so much:
Wilson: "If you've got a good life, you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch, no reason to hate life."
House: "Well, here's the flaw in your argument: if I enjoy hating life, I don't hate life, I enjoy it."
Wilson: "I didn't say it was rational. HIV testing is ninety-nine percent accurate, which means there are some people who test positive, who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out everything's okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness, or even anger. They get depressed, not because they wanted to die, but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them them' isn't real."
House: "I don't define myself by my leg."
Wilson: "No, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to some way make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine everything. You have dismissed anything physical, anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual."
This was me. Now Ive been told Im fine and perfectly healthy after 8 years of hospital visits and every test under the sun I didnt even really think about it afterwards. I just carried on as normal. I did start to question whether it was all in mind because I have been feeling well since then. No symptoms just like that.
So now I have nothing to really blame on why Im so unhappy. I have a good life, the usual; nice family who I love, friends, good education, a sort of direction to what I want to do when Im older, I'll be independent, living practically by myself next year, I have enough money to live comfortably. Ive never managed to get close to people. I cant physically say 'I love you' even to my parents, the only time I did was just before a major operation and I was drugged up. I can only hug two people, those being my mum and one of friends who I have no idea why, but have this connection with. Im not even that particulary close to him anymore. I feel very akward hugging anyone else in my family even though I do love them. Its feels like hugging a stranger.
I should be happy. Yet everytime I close my eyes to go to sleep I pray that I can just stay asleep and not wake up. It just would be so much..easier.
Im not suicidal, I did go through some stages when I was 9 and recently but Im not anymore (never acted on it, just thought about it). No one wants to die its just that they dont want to live more. I just wish I had the control of it.
This site is fantastic and Im glad Ive found somewhere I can just rant on, I wish I could do that outloud but my parents are rather denying about me being unhappy (I also have OCD which doesnt help my case) they dont want me to go antidepressants, side effects and all that. I only told my mum about all this a few months ago when I couldnt face anything (I dont think my dad knows).
Not really sure what to do now. If I'm honest about it.
Story shared: 07/01/2007 22:04:33
#69 View the comments about this story Unhappiness - OCD - Sleep
Comments
I was always the one that didn't conect with the people around me,, jus couldn't make myself do it out of fear of rejection or worse as i thought at the time,, and i still dont hug or say i love u to my parents and i dont hink i ever have to be honest,,,, jus never felt conneted with them.
Seems like your yearning to fill your life with soemthing a bit greater weather thats peoples company or not. Fact is that there isn't enough in your life around you to make you want to come back to it every day and thats something that one mail isn't gonna solve,,
Post back if what i've saids been any help
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