My Cure
heres one of my blog journals i wrote the other day....
i just just hope in sharing this stroy, people can relate and hopefully gain some advice from it and Hopefully help in some way???
Sunday, December 31, 2006
My Stroy on 'My Cure' of Depression, Self Harm and Eating Disorder
(not every detail, and the hole stroy, but a part of it)
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life
i have conquered Depression (sort of) Self Harm (i havn't cut in over 3 months) Eating Disorders (it's always been there just never really noticed it)......
Since November i can finally say 'i'm Happy', 'i'm Lucky' and 'i'm Worth Something'.....
i still have a demons but i am wise of all there tricks, i guess i control my own mind. i make the Choices.....
Depression and Self Harm:
i started when i was 11, now i'm 17, y did i start? My Pearents divorce and how they didn't bring me up properly, Hatred for myself, the way i looked, not feeling accepted, not having a steadying group of friends, deaths, teenage stuffl, Bullying, Girls telling me do u stuff ur bra... i hated PE, everytime i would get down to my underware girls would look at me and give evil looks and Now i realise they were all just jealous of what i had but back then i believed i was wrong and they would push me in corridoors and make sure the ball would hit me in the face, and would spread rumours about me and would call me ugly and fat and would throw books, heavy books, at my head and would get guys to come charging at me and knock me down to the floor and all the other kids would do is largth.
Out of school, i had a group of friends, i dated guys, but i could never have realstionships cos i was always so damn insecure i would accuse them of all sorts and in the end i would drive them away (the boyfriend b4 my current bf mainly).... and they would stay around for months wanting to save me, tell me, ur beautifull, i love u, i want to be with u, ur so special to me, i wanna make u a happy and spend the rest of my life with u... but i was just not hearing it ???
i didn't settle down until like 4 months ago finally trusting someone after nearly driving him away after one nite of him having to call an amberlance after he thought i had attempted suicide.... even tho i had just put several cuts on wrist and had drank like half a bottal of jack daniels on an empty stomach and just kinda i guess fell asleep or passed out after frantically writing like a 5 page suicide letter even tho i planned commiting suicide by actually filling the bath up knowing i was so drunk that i could drowned easily... (know one knows that until now).....
Since being admitted to hospital that nite, after violently attacking nurses and poice officers and My sister and boyfriend.... punching walls, causing some massive bruise over my hand claiming i am fine i don't need to be here i just got a little drunk only to find out, i was like 2 weeks pregnuant with his baby and they thought it was eptiopic and they also wanting to submit me to the mental institute in the next ward but said we really wanna send u home so sober up and will see, tho if u don't calm down we will... but after hearing about the baby i sobered up pretty quick and was like how can i do this to my baby.... i really wanted it, cos i thought being a mum would save me and i could love something and give the baby the life i always wanted....
but my boyfriend was like u can not cope with this baby and i certainly do not wanna be a dad yet and the stress of me and the baby caused him to call a break between us... i thought it was the end.... and i cleaned my act up and said i love more then any1 i've loved, don't give up on me, and since then i been an angel and now i think back and just think did i really need to be pushed right to the edge of the cliff, holding on by one finger, to realise just how much i was hurting the people i love and denighing my self of a life i want.....???
i had an abortion and my boyfriend and me have become stronger then ever and Christmas just rocked, and i have my moments but they are nothing compared to the 'Tantrums' i used to have.... now i just sulk and hide under devets until some1 comes along and cheers me up u know.... :-)
Pro AnaMia:
This site helped me, i been skinny this year it was in May when friends and family were saying 'i can see ur ribs' the least i was, was just under 7stone, then i went rehab, but mainly because of my depression and self harm, the whole eating disorder side went well unnoticed they were more concerned with what was wrong with my brain.....
but getting back to the AnaMia site Boxing Day i felt FAT, i read through this site and thought sound like a bad idea but then i read it through a few times, as i had put on wieght over Christmas (like a stone) it gave me quick fix ideas about loosing some wieght b4 New Eve's.... so i back to 8stone2 in like the past 3 days i don't plan to go any lower then 8stone cos that's healthy for me and plus i look up to people like Jennifer Lopez, Tyra Banks but mostly Shakira...
and if u actaully read every word of this site there is actually some information on there that makes sure ur not completely harming urself and actaully has everything that goes through my mind with food and my wieght.
Today i totally binged out and ate so much and not because i was worrying my boyfriend but because i felt really hungary that i thought ok i should eat properly today.
but i was eating was just eating like a pot noodle as like my breakfast and when i got hungary later my boyfriend would like buy me a bag of chips and say eat them they'll fill ur void and at least u eaten something so i did.... which proberly only adds up to about 500 / 600 calories??? not actaully doing any exercise with this just made me lose an inch of my waist which is now to it's normal size of 25inches... just means i'm not tonned but exercise and a healthy eating lifestyle of sticking to under 1000 cal a day and making sure i eat alot of veg and fruit and cut out the crap as one of my new years resolutions.... means i can feel good and not be totally to the point where i do need to starve myself which really i don't like doing cos i love food and hate hunger pains and it also makes me very moody and edgy when i'm hungary and craving krispy kream donuts......
REHAB.....So there's this girl:
i know whose actually anarexic who i met in rehab and she actaully like said to me i wish i had ur body and she was the kind of kate moss, paris hilton type figure... and i saw what she ate, just lunch, with a few ollives, some lettace, some fruit and that was it all day she never turned up for dinner.... where as she would see me eating and i had the full on english breakfast, and a proper lunch with cheesecake and then a proper dinner with more cheesecake.... and other kids were like u eat all that food and then have like toast before u go bed how'd u keep ur figure i then said exercise, cos i was a manic exerciser at the time... i was doing like jorden workout like 3 times a day and would go for long walks an stuff, and they all tried out the jorden workout..... and it just felt good to somehow in a way inspire people and have these other kids with the same problems as me, saying i admire u, wish i was like u... and i ended up to be like happiest kid in there was like the first time i wasn't being bullied and felt accepted....
and it just gave me hope that maybe i can inspire kids with depression and self harm and who worry tons about what they look like, and hope they learn what i've learned over the past 6 years and hope i can inspire them to help themselves.... and offer all the hugs and friendship i can....
and that's what inspires me to live my life and feel like i am lucky and i deserve to be a better person. and just hope one day these people will feel the same.....
The Experience:
one thing i have learned is Depresstion will be there in and out my life and will be my demoned on my shoulder, but i can control it. it no longer controls me.
i wouldn't change my life, even tho it's been hard to live through, i'm glad i lived through it all and now i embrace challenges and face fears and i don't let what people say to me bring me down and make me hide in my shell, i let it motivate me to live each day to gain more and more karma, to gain the life i want to live and never let go of my imagination and innocence.
i Hope me opening up has inspired some people out there and gave them hope, and it's true if u want it to be over u gotta help urself, friends, family, lovers, rehab.... can only be there for u, the rest is down to u....
Make Love Not War N Always - 'Groovy Loveage' Tinka xx
Story shared: 02/01/2007 06:01:46
#65 View the comments about this story depression - self harm - ED - bullys - love - rehab
Comments
I think it's great you managed to overcome everything, and that you're trying to help others.
But it's hard.
Memories that won't leave me alone. My past that is always there.
I think you are an amazing person. Thankyou.
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