Regret and Shame masks the pain
Ok here goes.. im not really sure how i ended up writing this but have read so many of your stories and i can relate and i hope someone can learn something from mine.
Im 21 years old ive been self harming since i was 17, my mum was abused when she was younger and my whole life i remeber her being misserable and depressed it wasnt until my 17 birthday she told me and i finally was able to understand so many things in her and my life.
I was devestated she cut herslef id alsways known things werent right but being told for sure i couldnt handle it.I had many problems like all teenagers and was being bullied and was fucking misserable to be honest.
One evening i wanted to hurt myself to see what all the fuss was about and if it worked for my mum mayb it would for me.
I didnt really have the courage and only made a few scratches with the razor, it wasnt until we had a massive argument i was so over whelmed i cut myslef rele badly with a razor.I felt the relief and calm swarm over me and thats where my story begins,
As it became a regular habit i used to enjoy and even look forward to locking myslef away and bloocking all the crap everyone through at me.It was my secret weapon, although it was a spiral as nothing else would work to give me the same feeling of satisfaction and control.
I am now left with the most hidious scars all over my arms, torso and legs and i am always scared to wear short sleved tops, go swimming, wear shorts and i always will be as 3 years on the scars are still clear as day.
And even as i write this i have only minuites ago added fresh scars to my already tourtured skin, but i cant stop.The smallest thing can make me feel so shit and so pathetic i want to punish myself and at the same time make myself feel good.
Im trapped a few people know about my self harm but only one has ever understood because she used to and her daughter who is my aged used to too and so she understands or tries and is very supportive.But even to her i hide it and hope she forgets my secret although i know she never will as she is someone who cares for me, many others i have tried to tell have not and have made me feel s much worse about myself.
So if i have any advice for those who self harm, it is this even if you see no way out, it is amazing when you find someone you can trust who you give the chance to understand and listen and not judge.
I have now began to cut far less often as i can talk about my need t hurt myself and the problems in my life i used to bury deep inside before when they would finally explode. i go weeks with without cutting, although my addiction and way of coping is no where near buried i feel im finally coming to terms with its not the only way and things have to get better.
There are many reasons for self harm and many not fully understood but all i can say is that you are not alone it gives me confort to know others understand and that many have over come this addiction and many have avoided the beginning of self harm through reading stories such as these.
Story shared: 10/03/2010 01:53:56
#623 View the comments about this story self harm - scars - warning of regret
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Good luck xx
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