lost convicts soul
Hi my name is john and im going to share some personal stuff with you all, that I haven’t with others, I came from a broken home and was raised by an alcoholic mother I have one brother and a sister. We were pretty much on our own as our mother spent every day and night at the bar as we seen many guys come and go. I was one of those kids that got picked on because I didn’t have cool clothes as I lived a poor life, their was times when me and my sister had to go and steal so our mom could have money to go to the bar Their were a lot of times we got caught and by the time I was eight I was caught staling nine times, I was then taken out of my moms house and put into a foster home, where all I did was rebel as I got into more trouble and went from one foster home to the next, by the age of seventeen I was in ten different foster homes, for at the age of seventeen I got caught stealing and was sent to a boot camp for six months. when I was finished I was placed in a half way house where I stayed for six months from their well life got whose as I keep getting into trouble this time I was place in prison for 4 to 25 years, why, well I ended robbing a store and was in a stolen car lead police on a high pursuit chase, and had stolen property in the car….so I count my blessing that all I got was 4 years…this is where I woke up. as I was in prison I got my GED ,finished up anger management, peer counseling and so fourth….did this all help….yes …I was 19 when I went to prison 23 when I got out and I am now 34..I have been clean for 11 years, but my past catches up to me always I am a very angry person inside I ask myself everyday why, I am so ashamed of my past and who I am in effects everything I do in life. I have this loving person in my life but all I can do is push her away, It seems that every time I get happy I find a reason to get upset and start a fight with her so she will leave me…she is the best thing that has happened to me, so why am I so shallow to her. Am I afraid to commit to her, why does depression hurt so badly? People tell me I need to face my past and it may help. I have done counseling and that doesn’t seem to help .I am afraid that my life has been taken from me because of my past, and who do I blame yes I could blame my mom but as I got older I knew what I was doing was wrong but yet I still did it .I’m afraid I am going to be a grumpy old man and I am going to lose this person in my life that has stuck by me through so much and yet I treat her so bad. She has so much strength in me and I am so scared I am going to let her down. We have a kid together and I want to be their for her, but I can’t seem to open my heart. Can some one be as shallow as I am? I know that god is watching over me as he brought her as my angel, but I am afraid she will give up hope in me soon if I don’t find a way to change…It seem like I do good for a week then I am back to the depressed sorrow person that hates life and hates his self for who he became .IF anyone else has been where IM at I would love to hear your story…..sincerely john
You can email me at any2cardwilly@yahoo.com
Story shared: 31/12/2006 05:46:39
#62 View the comments about this story love - sorry - Help - lost - depression - relationship
Comments
I think you need to focus on your huge achievement of being clean for 11 years, this is an amazing achievement. You've come from a hard background and have the potential to have all that you want. Tell your partner how much you love her, take her out somewhere and tell her that you love her and see her as your angel. Tell her that you dont want to loose her and you dont want to let her down. Focus on the future with her, and not your past troubles. Try and spend time with your kid, and spend as much time with people as possible. Staying with people will keep your mind away from your past and remind you what a good life you now have, I mean you have a partner who you love and a child. If you think you could be with this woman forever, why not ask her to marry you? This may make you feel secure when she says yes, and give a stable environment for your child.
To lift your depression, again find something to occupy your mind that you enjoy. It can be a simple thing like a sport, or music, or anything really! Having something you enjoy will make you feel better.
I hope this helps you, and good luck
x
Hope there's atleast something to pull out of that for you, all the best with the future
all that u said about ur wife is exsacly what i have done, and i thought the same about the hole pushing them away is because i don\'t want to commit and then i question whether i really do love that person, but the truth is if ur not happy and in a stable state of mind i guess u can\'t someone else happy and be stable for them, u know?
and u should be proud u have got through so much and u should be really proud, and the past will always be there and will always seem it\'s tryna haunt u, and u will have the odd off day u just gotta make sure that the majority of it is good days and u focus on stuff that makes u happy, cos now a days that\'s what i do.... and u know how councilers say take up some hobbies to occupie ur mind... well i actually been doing lately and i get through the days really well, i still have a lot of work to do as to getting life on track and keep it heading in the right direction but by surrounding myself with things i enjoy and good people and little projects and creating my own karma... my day feels a lot more... fulfilled.
and as for ur wife, u obsviously care about her alot and she\'s clearly been there for u, but this is one thing i realised in my current realationship... if u don\'t want to lose her u\'ll put extra effort in ditching that demon of depression and keeping it tamed... and also try out stress relievers and make it better by doing stuff u enjoy.... and being the new year resolutions are grate for this, by setting goals for the hole year, like for me one of my goals is belly dancing, then think of all the achievments ur goals has, like mine exercise, a new skill, a new hobbie/interest, i get to meet new people.... and once u\'ve achieved, not only is it an reward in itself, u can also reward urself with something like a new cd or clothes or a game... u know and it\'s not so guilty cos u\'ve earned it. it\'s an idea.
then theres also goals u can set urself weekly or whenever u need to...
i even have a goal of getting a job and sticking to it... and a benifit is of course money.... which i need if i wanna go out with my friends or go cinema with my boyfriend... or even do shopping therapy lol. now i have tons of things i can enjoy and stuff, \'depression\' dosen\'t say - i\'m bored and i hate everything and theres nothing to do in this world...
u also have child rite? well that to me seems like the perfect solution to being even more motivated.... and doing things with them is grate bonding and can u make u feel better as a dad, i take there quite young so you can make a better life for them by doing educational things with them, and i know for sure liberies r a grate resouce, u can go in and ask the staff about stuff, and there may even be stuff for u as well....
and back to ur wife \'completely indulge in eachothers company\' if u alredy don\'t... make her feel special tell her she\'s beautiful and go out somewhere together.. out to eat or to cinema.. or even stay at home and cook for her something romantic... make her dress up and use candle lighting and burn insense and let her see how much effort u gone to by letting her witness u cooking and stuff... even rent a movie from somewhere like blockbuster and cuddle up on sofa, watch it together.. having evenings like this is bound to make u happy and it will show her ur really tryna to make it work and ur tryna abandon old ways if just being depressed u know? (and the nite won\'t just end there if u know what i mean....)
well this is stuff that works for me, and i havn\'t been depressed for months now, but like i say tho i do have off days but it\'ll pass, just still try to get along with it u know and try really hard not to get so down that the next day u might regret. and also something that i found is don\'t get drunk, it brings up ur feelings and emotionalness.
i hope this helps somehow but u can always talk to me online if u want, and i wouldn't mind knowing how u to get on. and if ur ever feeling down instead of taking out on loved ones, u can always talk to me. i'll add ur thiny.. just incase!
Good Luck TinkaBells
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