life of a troubled kid
My story starts at the age of six, my best friend was dead and I witnessed it all. I had no confidence in myself and I was so depressed. I yearned for a way out. There was nothing to ease the pain. I wanted to stop it, stop everything, I wanted to end my life.
There was nothing to do, no other choice. I had no freedom to do whatever I wanted, I was so young and so afraid. I remembered endless days hiding away from the real world, ashamed to show my face. I would hide away in my bedroom spending countless hours crying, reflecting on my life and remembering how it all went wrong. I felt so worthless so lifeless, so unloved.
As time went on it just got worse trying to cope with life and also trying to hide from it. It all got out of hand, I wanted to destroy every last bit of sadness in my life, I wanted to destroy ME.
I sat there that cold and lonely evening, alone in the house, I thought about it, I wouldn't get the chance again. So I did it there and then.
I found myself the next morning lying in hospital, my mind was completely oblivious to what had occured previously. I tried to move, my body was throbbing with pain. It somewhat seemed to calm my emotions. It turned out the saying was true... You should fight fire with fire.
On the basis of this theory, it look different forms, I used to sit there some nights with a knife in my hand, other nights I just slashed my whole arm with cuts. Suddenly I didn't care what anyone else thought about me. For once in my life I would feel free, I felt the freedom to do whatever I wanted to do, the freedom to be wherever I choose and the freedom to have no care in the world.
This never lasted long though. A few days later and I'd be back where I'd started. Depressed, lonely, sad.
It didn't get better when I started high school. I thought it would. That final glimmer of hope. Instead it was a repeat of what had already happened. I made what thought were new friends, but, when I told them my one and only secret, the only thing keeping me alive, the fact that I self harmed, they took this fact and threw it back in my face. They told everyone. People ignored me I was left out. I was 'weird'.
People would fear me, think it was a hobby. All I wanted was a friend, someone I could talk to. I never got one.
Hours turned into days, days turned to months and eventually people accepted it. There was the odd bad comment but I just had to ignore them. I eventually met a guy, it was love at first sight. He was my one true love, a knight in shining armour. But, once again my happiness was not supposed to be. My heart was broken when he and his family moved to London. It got worse. I recieved the news that he had been in a car accident and was in critical condition. Three days later he died.
At that point in my life something just went click in my life and I realised hapiness is a choice, not something you achieve. At that point I put my life on the road to recovery.
Although I still self harm, it isn't so severe. I finally the light at the end of the tunnel.
Story shared: 07/12/2009 21:07:14
#573 View the comments about this story life - freedom - destroy - slash - self harm - hospital - depressed - knife - suicide - death - friend - overdose - love - lonely or hope
Comments
Just feel unloved and felt like I have been pushed away.
Keep it up and I am certain you will have a great 2010 as you learn and grow.
CGR
Please, be brave poppet
hollie
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