True life stories.

one more cut , to add to my shame

here i go again , one more cut , one more mistake .
i never liked cutting , i always hated the pain and the blood . but i liked the drastic effect it had on me and on everyone around me , i liked how when they saw my wounds , they used to shut up and stop giving me advices , they realized how bad i felt , they saw how fucked up i was .
i used to cut once a month then i stoped for a couple of month then i started all over again , but this time it was two times a week , and everytime the wounds got deeper and uglier .
but i can't deny feeling this great and amazing power once i held that razor and pushed it into my skin , i felt in control and amazingly releved once i was done
i now this sounds crazy but i felt proud when i looked down at my wounds , it felt like all the feelings that i have been strugeling with for years made sense , all those things i kept thinking about and never understood
now i feel like faliing the whole time and the only time i could sleep in piece is when i cut and i'm cutting a lot , i'm talking about 2 to 3 times a day
i feel horible i hate the way i run to it , i never leave the house without a razor just in case i feel like bleeding .
my thighds look horible and my cuts are getting deeper and uglier and wider .
i have to hide it from every one i now and the more i do the more i feel shamed and broken
i'm falling down , and i can't find anything to hold on to , i don't want to do this anymore , i don't want to be sick anymore , i'm pushing my frienda away , and i'm becoming this unbelievibly disguisting and unreasonable person
i call out for help and beg people not to give up on me but then i hurt them and tell them i despise and blaim them for things they have nothing to do with when they try to intervene or save me as they say
having a normal life is impossible right now , i can't believe how mch worst i've become just in a couple of month , my life seems like a seriers of panic attacks and crying on the bathroom floor with blood al over my body
i don't believe that there is a way for me to breath again , to feel alive again , i have honestely lost hope in myself and everybody around me
COULD I BE FIXED ???
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE

Story shared: 03/12/2009 16:28:29

#570 View the comments about this story Tags: suicidal - Confused - fed up - sick

Comments

#1 by Michael on 04/12/2009 00:14:52 (id-2041).
finding love helped me deal with my cutting, and finally made me stop

#2 by layla on 10/01/2010 00:46:02 (id-2111).
I used to cut myself too. I stopped when things started to change around me. I still have thick scars on my arms and on my body. Hindsight is great. I feel like I can relate to your story. One day you will pull through it all, and when you look back, you will realise that life does get better. Keep Smiling. xx

#3 by connor on 13/01/2010 20:53:53 (id-2122).
try to find something that gives you the same feeling as cutting that requires little to no damge it would help and also make you feel good when you need it. i found that taking my anger out on a punch bag was better than other things and people and i now can control it

#4 by Tracey on 12/03/2010 11:52:54 (id-2291).
I used to self harm but i got over it

#5 by jesss. on 01/07/2010 19:20:08 (id-2564).
i cut myself and i felt like that everyone culd see how bad i felt and maybe stop being horrible towards me.

#6 by Just another voice on 02/07/2010 21:54:44 (id-2571).
I don't cut, but I do this friction burning thing with a rubber. I think that... that there is always a way to live. Or, believe me, I would be dead by now. you have no idea how many times i've come close to taking an overdose. But enough, when the computor LET'S ME WRITE! I'll write mine. Ahem, I stick to it. You need to find a reason to stop. Ask a doctor, maybe?

True life stories.

one more cut , to add to my shame

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