always there
i cant pin point exactly whan i first started felling down but i think it was about two years ago. i was in a relationship with somebody who controlled me it took over my life i was of work and never went out i lived with him so the relationship with my mum almost gried up completely, as a result i lost most if not all of the friends and acquintences i had which in turn turned me into almost a kind of hermit.
it was an abusive relationship and most weekends i would watch him drink himself into a mess then take out what ever was annoying him on me.
i lived with his family and they were all ig drinkers so everyweekend was the same get drunk and violent ut i ffelt trapped like i couldnt get away. i started to suffer from bad anxiety and panic attacks and found social situation even with people known to me very hard.
it took me a year to finally leave this relationship and start to tryand get my life back.
About a month after leaving this guy i got talking to a friend of a friend and we got on really well he made me laugh and made me feel attractive again. looking back i dont think either of were ready emotionally for a relationship, he was just out o long relationship wich had ended in him being betrayed and me well you know about.
it started really well we had fun, but about two months into the relationship i was getting worried as i knew he was still talking to his ex who he still loved and a couple of other girls so i checked his mobile which i know i shouldnt of done but i discovered that he had cheated on me so i confronted him, he told me it had been before we were together and it ment nothing which later turned out to be a lie as he had cheated on me so my confidence was wrecked i couldnt work out what was wrong with me. since then i have always doubted him and do not trust him as i know he texts alot of girls and does pretty much what he wants.
about a month after i found out i was pregnant and was so confused what to do nut the day i went to get a scan i miscarried i was devastated i felt that i had done something wrong that i was bad in a way.
i had a second miscarriage and on that day i found out that my partner had slept with someone else and she was pregnant i didnt think it could get any worse until i found out she was planning on keepin it. we argued constantly so he ended the relationship but remained to stay friends but it has been like we never ended we still sleep together and are now living together we argue and he says things that i wont ever forget but when were good were good i dont understand him cos ha says he no lobger loves me but cuddles in at night and calls me babes it sounds silly maybe i am just clutching at straws because even after all of that i do love him i never intended to but i do. i feel like he has never made an effort with this relationship and gave up to quickly but it is exhausting me not knowing he never answers a question and alwasy avoids the subject of us. he says i should just move on and that he wants to go out and pull but i cant bear the thought i dont know if ishould just give up but what if i do just as he decides to give it a go i knowhe cares for me but in what way i dont know. it is driving me crazy and everyday im just getting more and more hurt but i cant lat go. not yet.
Story shared: 23/12/2006 17:39:01
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