My Life and the strive for change...
My life is hard, but I feel I shouldnt complain because Im sure many many many of your guys' lives have been or are hard too..So really, Idk why I feel like Im the only one at times and that I would rather just be dead...People might think of me as a relatively smart straight A 13 year old student..But on the inside, I dont think me looking at myself sees the same person that you guys do...I see a girl who doesnt know the meaning of life or why Im here..I often call myself crazy, and some of you just laugh, but honestly, on the inside, thats just how I truely feel about myself...Ive been talking to a family member for a while, and sure, it does feel good to talk, but I have secrets, and I cant say them to her sometimes..I mean sure I trust her and everything, but I mean, I dont want her to see trough what others see..Or maybe Ive already said too much to her in past times and in recent, maybe she already does see right past what others see..What if she really does think Im crazy though..and I just dont know it? Theres actually a very good chance that I honestly will be mentally crazy though, I mean, my dad is, hes bipolar scitzafranic, and Ive come to hate him over the last 13 years...I havent had the heart to forgive him, and I definitally cant talk to him about it...Im now thinking I want counciling..Someone to talk to who cant tell everyone else what I say..Someone who will listen to what I have to say and do a good job at it..Someone who will be there....But then I think about it, and no matter how many times my family and friends tell me that Im not, it makes me feel even crazier..I mean, I should be a normal 13 year old girl just going to school and doing what I need to and keepin it together..Shouldnt I?? but thats not how it would be, then it would be like that, with an extra thing on the side, counciling....I wonder if I do it, should I tell my friends, even just my closest ones...Im not sure.... I dont want them to know cuz I dont want them to think Im weird or something like that....I actually even started self harming myself...Im not really good at saying to people how I feel, sometimes though its just cuz I dont know the right words to use to describe how I feel..Other times just cuz the thought of someone else knowing in a way scares me...I think I think if I was better at expressing myself that things wouldnt have gotten so bad...Idk though...I hope one day I dont think of life the same way I do now..idk....I will just try..The Strive For Change...Soooooo...?
Story shared: 24/11/2009 21:20:04
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