i self harm for reasons that i don't fully understand
I cannot say exactly why i self harm but i think it is a mixture of family reasons. When i was 4 my dad divorced my mum because she didn't like his excessive drinking. He couldn't stop when i was 7 he married again only recently i found out that she was a druggie and he also took drugs.
He used to get really bad with his drinking he would drink so much then fall asleep one day wake up 2 or 3 days later not knowing what happened. He used to get really angry with his drinking. It got to such a point that we were only allowed to see him under supervision. Eventually the doctor had to force him to sit down and tell him straight that if he carried on he wouldn't live to see his 43rd birthday. He was in hospital for quite a long time we didn't see him during that time.
His wife divorced him and told him she didn't want to see him. So he moved an hour away he has been sobre now for 7 years he still can't work and it's taken him 6 years to get his driving licence back. Last year after being engaged to someone he married them but a month before their marriage her 24 year old son died he was in a care home after being in a coma for 2 years i visited him alot over about a year i never knew him as a person i only met him when he was in the care home he couldn't move walk talk he was paralysed. He started to get better but died of pneumonia 2 weeks later 1 month before the wedding.
My 21 year old step cousin came back from afghanistan but died in a car crash 6 months after the wedding. Recently i had an argument with my dad and stepmum. whenever i stay with them i have to sit next to my dad whilst he smokes i asked him if he could smoke outside or near a window he said that that was fine that no more would be said. He told me about how his previous wife took drugs and that her son went to prison for drugs.
He said he loved me and that he knew everything about i snapped i said that last year i self harmed and he promised it would go no further.
Only it did. I then had my stepmum going on at me about it comparing me to the teenagers she works with who have been chucked out of their homes. She was really mad at me for asking dad if he could smoke somewhere else and called me a spoilt brat and that she hoped when we visited she was working. She said that my dad already felt guilty and that i wasn't helping by adding more guilt and that either i lumped dad smoking next to me or i didn't see him at all. So i still see him but i have t lump his smoking but recently he's been ill because of his past drinking.
Earlier this year i thought about going back to self harm before the argument but i didn't i thought i was finished with self harm but a couple of weeks ago i began self harming again badly.beore half term (now) i tried to tell an adult but i didn't dare in case they told my mum or stepdad. How can you tell someone and trust them after your dad goes back on their word practically the same secret that you now daren't tell an adult even though i want to, to be able to stop.
Story shared: 28/10/2009 21:52:44
#552 View the comments about this story Childhood - complicated
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