Shooting myself in the heart
Well, it took me a while to actually admit how lonely and pathetic I can be. After the denial phase I started seeing things clearly, but that didn’t help it made things worste. Now I am convinced that I do have a problem but I won’t admit it to anybody except myself. You would think that knowing what your problem is half the solution – that doesn’t work for me. I am stuck living a life I don’t like, I always have the tendency to hurt the people that I care about the most. I have a problem in admitting that I love someone, never said the words in my life although I felt it. I am almost 32, I feel I have so much love and energy, am an attractive girl and really fun. I attract people easily, am very social and open, the thing is once I get in any relationship (even friendship) its always about me! I cant help it, am self-centered, although I try to be accommodating but I never can pull it through all the way. I don’t react well to anybody expressing their love or care because i cant say it back, sometimes I feel it’s a sickness but I really cant..
Even at work, i am very jittery and always leading discussions, I try to be on top of things but I just try too hard and my sole goal everyday is to outshine everybody at work, I can be very aggressive in email communication and although I regret it after I cool down I have realized that these things cant be fixed easily, they leave scars and you end up pushing away everybody. Its just weird, I know what’s wrong with me but I cant fix it. To give you an example just lately I have realized that I really hurt one of my friends, they usually are hurt and they call back to apologize or act as if nothing happens. But this time it seems I really messed up, I hurt my best friend and didn’t know how to say sorry, I waited for her to call back, she never did. I decided to make matters into my own hand and do something about it, I called but made things worst, I was so ready to explain my self and say sorry but the second she said hello I was pissed and made things worst.
I even contemplated for a couple of weeks before actually posting this online. I don’t know it seems the older I am the harder it gets to change my habits. I am so alone and don’t even know how to deal with it.
Story shared: 21/10/2009 01:38:06
Comments
Be the first to comment on this story
Add you're comment