I'm so sick of never really living...
I have always been shy, and it never really mattererd too much because I have always been lucky enough to have good friends. But now I feel like the more I do, the less I have and the less people want to be around me. My 'depression' began when I was 17. My younger sister tried to commit suicide- she was 14. I broke my heart and every day it just hurts more. I did my a-levels and decided to go to university. I got in and moved out but couldnt do it. I stayed in halls for one night, didnt even give it a chance. I was at uni for 2 months then quit. While I was at uni, I had no friends, made no effort to find any so became somwhat of a recluse. never sopke to anyone. Then I moved back home, and because I had been such a recluse, I could face the outside world- i just had panic attacks and cried all the time. I gave up on everything- i just lost the person i used to be. I eventually got a job, and that was pretty good- i still cried every day and was pertrifed of everything, but had a boss who was wonderful enough to let me cry to her every day at work. The I went back to university. I staying in uni accomadation for a grand total of 2 nights (double last time) but still failed. I;m still at university, but have made only limited friends and am still not part of it. I have wonderful friends at home who I see all the time, but I know that I am not top of their list... their are five of us in our little group. I come fifth for them all. I know that fifth is still far better than nothing, but its still bottom. I thought I had begun to get over my past feellings of being depressed, but they wont go away. I am scared all the time. ofg leaving the house, of socialising, of suddenly losing the small amount I have. I cope by punishing myself for not being good enough. I hurt myself just to feel a little bit alive. I am just so different to everyone I care about- the things I am passionate about, dont matter to my friends, and I am so scared that by standing up for myself I will lose them, but by keeping quiet I am losing me. I cry all the time, but cant tell them, because my crying got boring a long time ago. I love my little sister so much i cant describe it- but i am so angry at her, for what she did. and that makes me hate me even more- what right do i have to be angry at her? My life stopped but hers moved on. My parents looked out for her- which is what they should have done. But now no one looks out for me. She got all the help that she deserved, now she is happy and has a wonderful boyfriend. I am 20 years old and have never had a boyfriend. Never had anyone who has been interersted. Never had anyone who has wanted to have sex with me. And why would they? Im, not at all interesting. I feel like the little part of me that exists, albeit boring and miserable, is dying. I am who everyone else wants, and even that isnt enough.
Story shared: 21/12/2006 01:34:19
Comments
Let me break this akward silence"- 'Skylines and Turnstiles' by My Chemical Romance. That song has never expressed my emotions more acurrately than now. I know how you feel, and I hope that that knowledge helps you in some way...and I'm sorry if it is utterly useless. Music, bands like My Chemical Romance, Panic! At The Disco etc. really help me cope. By listening to the heartfelt lyrics makes me feel less alone, which helps me cope. I hope you'll try it, and that it works. Take care xxx
I thought I was the only one feeling this way!
I was extremely similar although I have never suffered an extreme upsetting event which you have mentioned about your sister and i feel just as bad as you do, which to me still doesnt seem right because i feel i dont have a valid reason fror feeling liek this unlike you.
Ive stuck uni out, painfully but thats just me, im afraid of failing so push myself waaaay to far.
If you bottle up your feelings they may come out as physical symptoms like mine have...and urs seem to be as well like crying while talking to ppl which makes me feel even more stupid and insecure.
i had a headache that was 3 days straight, so went 2 th docs and they diagnosed me with depression, now im taking medication and i feel ive now got a ledge which i am sitting on rather than falling like i was before.
so go see someone, i thought i just neede to grow up but now i kno tahts nott he case, i am actually depressed.
go see a doc :)
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