friendship over...?
Its strange - how things you thought you knew, things you were certain of... just aren't.
I've lived with my flatmate (and what I considered to be one of my best friends) for just about a year now, We moved in together after I split from my girlfriend at the time, and I was down a lot of the time. His solution was to get me out on the town, get me drunk, and get me hooking up with girls asap. But i was still too hurting from the break at the time. Any girls I approached sensed my underlying resentment (of which there was plenty) and rightly avoided me. So that was my life, getting drunk, getting stoned, going to parties and failing with girls.
However... I made a decision to change. I didn't want to be angry anymore. I didn't want the hurt, the pain or the resentment. I decided to reject it all and replace it with the person I was always supposed to be. I began hanging out with other friends - people who shared my desire for self-improvement and betterment. People who know that life is just a ride, that its fun, an adventure, and that we should all, always be striving to better our lives and the lives of those around me. I made that decison - a decision to jettison the anger and crap inside me... and it was working. Whatever anger issues there were, whatever underlying resentment was there was being purged. Everyone noticed the difference. I was happy and cheerful all the time, (and I mean genuinely happy and cheerful - not just the facade that most people project) I was living. I was being my best self.
While I was doing that, my flatmate was still looking to go out and get drunk - hook up with girls, take drugs. Except... except now things had changed. I was succeeding in life, in friendships and relationships whilst he was falling behind.
I'm not sure how or when I came to the realisation that he was such an internally angry person himself, but for a while now, i've sensed a lot of bitterness towards me from him. Things he says to me now, how he acts. And i'm not sure how much of it is my fault. Is it because he was used to being - as he puts it - 'the big man on campus'? and I was starting to usurp that position? Is it because he's out of a job and i'm working? Is it because I hang out with other friends whilst he burns bridges with virtually everyone he meets?
Either way... I think things have finally come to some sort of impasse. For the past few weekends, we've been hanging out in the flat with another friend. Getting drunk, getting stoned, and relaxing. However, i've began to notice that there's some sort of 'power play' underway at the moment. It hasn't been discussed with me, although I know he other two have discussed it in great depth. They were talking about it the other night while stoned. They must have thought I wouldn't pick up on it or something, but pick up I did, and now, i'm extremely unhappy at the thought of it.
My flatmate seems like he wants to assert his dominance, whilst for once, I feel the more dominant. And for once i'm not going to back down.
I've still a long way to go on this journey of self betterment,and I realise now that along the way, I've allowed him to sabotage (or allowed him to encourage me to self-sabotage) my efforts. Efforts at re-establishing old friendships, or maintaining and enhancing new ones. Efforts at improving my quality of life.
I said about his bitterness towards me, but i'd be making a an omission if I didn't mention that there are times I get annoyed at him. He's out of a job, so he's constantly behind on rent, I have to buy the food, pay for nights out etc... And I know he could get a job if he really wanted, he just seems to be happy coasting off me for a while - even if he's not consciously aware of doing so.
I look at my efforts and I see that I'm in almost the exact same poistion I was a year ago. How much of that is my fault and how much of it is his, i'm not entirely sure, but I think our friendship has run its course. And that makes me sad.
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Story shared: 17/05/2009 13:30:04
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