Christmas
What to say….
I am to keep this short, as sometimes I have the tendency to drivel on about myself, even though there is not much to tell.
It is now 2:05am on the 22nd of November; I am now onto my 7th bottle of Stella and have taken 4 Co-Codamol and 4 Paracetamol. No, this is not some half baked attempt to kill myself this is a normal evening, the alcohol makes me forget, the Co-Codamol makes me drowsy and the Paracetamol is for good measure.
It is a cold evening and I sit in my gown at the computer, I am about to join my very loving boyfriend in bed and fall to sleep. So you would think that I really have nothing to worry about other than my blatant abuse of substances.
The problem is it is now coming towards Christmas. Christmas has always been a strange time of year for me, in that I love it but hate it at the same time. Christmas for me is my darkest time, and I struggle to keep myself alive after each and everyone of them.
To explain its origins would be difficult and many would find it somewhat ridiculous but never the less it is the reason I am posting here.
The first point in my life I can pin my depression down to was Christmas 2000, I was 14, and all seemed well in our household (as well as could be expected) although unawares to me, my mother had finally decided that she would no longer take my fathers lies and they decided that there 18 year marriage was to come to an end. In there great wisdom they decided that they would wait until after Christmas to tell us.
Until that is they discussed this with my older sister (then 16) who, in HER great wisdom thought the best day to tell us (my siblings and I) would be Christmas day.
So to pin the first year down that would be it. Quite mundane compared to some peoples problems, and this isn’t the full reason I post here, but its enough, as I said I tend to say more than is needed.
To finish though, this is my second Christmas with my boyfriend, so far this year this is the first year in 5 that I have not attempted suicide, why? I have no idea, have I got over it? NO, have I thought about it, yes.
So why not? Well mainly people who commit suicide are selfish I believe (I may be wrong) but I was in the past, but lately I think of those around me, maybe I have become more considerate or maybe I have become more cowardice.
Is there a point to the story?
RL
Story shared: 22/11/2006 02:29:27
Comments
Thank you for coming on here and there is always a point to everything. I am investigating putting a forum on the site so that potentially you can interact with others that can help, in the meanwhile I I hope you continue to receive words and encouragement, and empathy from others that might be going through the same.
Take care always, Chris
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