It happens to the best of us...
I'm Chris, I come from rural England near London.
I find it easier to explain myself as a metaphor really: When I go for a job interview I always impress - I appear happy, confident, full of personality and humour and like someone who is going to fit right into the team. The smart clown I guess. Six months down the line it's reality... I am funny and fit in... to the few who I can connect with there. The rest of the people just see me as someone in the background. Kind of odd, looking uneasy with himself and certainly his body. I'm falling out of favor with the immediate boss because I'm not fitting into the team how they thought, and I'm not sucking up trying to be their new best friend. In time this will make me feel more and more depressed... in turn I will become more distant and less responsive... I'll get sloppy... I'll put on more weight and eventually... I'll try and self destruct.
Now clearly this is just employment life - but the whole thing can be thrown out to my general life. I'm overweight and underconfident - I haven't had the nerve to ask a girl out in my life - meaning girls have to come to me, and all men reading this now know how often that happens! I'm depressed, morbidly depressed and the speed that I seem to be falling apart actually seems to increase the more I acknoweldge I have problems.
My friends that I keep close to me love me for my humour and good advice... oh yes! I have all the answers... but it's truely a case of do as I say and not as I do - because I can't motivate myself or keep myself on a path that will make me happy. It's the zero confidence again here - I know I'm a good person! I'm very loving, incrediably sensitive and creative... possibly last of the romantics? ;) This however means the depression and hurt inside me just lingers and gets worse and worse, it saddens my very existence and only my intelligence is there to keep the floodgates closed on this ocean of emotion inside me.... which occassionally bursts out in floods of tears but not else more.
But here's the clincher now - I know I need help but I can't be taking these pills and such, I'm afraid of not being in control of myself. In turn I speak to my friends and family. I turned to my parents once and in turn I just got my faults pointed out again and again and a bit more open critisism - no actual advice or offer of help (my parents were very young when I was born, and have remained very immature throughout their lives - and very clearly blame me for the lack of their better years of youth). This failing I have turned to my friends... I'm not good at talking to them about these things and I tend to try use typing instead. Strange how fast even my best friends can change subject or have to run off do something - and then later pretend I never ever said anything about it.
I don't think I'm unique but I feel very alone and insecure and I just dream of the happiness and marriage and families that my friends all have or are working towards. I have so much love in me but only the hate is ever given to me. I have no real social life nor often contact with real friends and I just distance myself further and further away from people in general. Career wise I'm hugely unhappy, I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing and most of all, the things I am really good at - I'm not qualified in nor in a position to get qualified.
So now I turn to you dearest Interweb-net... I'm so horribly lost and I have nobody I can turn to about this unhappiness in my life - and it really is getting deeper inside my head and I don't like that in the slightest... because in time that will cause desperation and whilst silly ideas float now - at what point do they become plans?
Thank you.
Story shared: 22/11/2006 00:37:57
#41 View the comments about this story lost - Hope - depression - sensitive
Comments
I thought I had problems but it seems that everyone else has beaten mine so mine didn't seem so big.
To me you sound like you have a great job and you impressed your boss initially. And it does take time to get to know everyone, I'm at Uni at the moment and I still don't know everyone on my course but i am getting to know more and more with every passing day. I just broke the ice with a few questions about some work we all had to do.
I got on well with one of the lecturers at the start of my first year, and he probably think's I'm a lazy good for nothing now but thats how it is. Maybe there will be another person taking his place soon just gotta think positive.
I know how you feel about the girl situation, I'm not exactly an outgoing person and most of the girls here are basically out for a good time and a one nighter (that's only because it's uni life). But there are loads of others that are looking for a sensitive loving man. i.e. you, you'll be happily married and knee high with soiled dypers before you know it.
You are not alone, and if you can put aside the fact that you need some encouragement from a stranger. Because that's what I am doing. I hope you can use it to your advantage.
I hope this has helped in some way and good luck Chris.
John
Thank you for coming on here and sharing this. I hope this site has already made you feel that you are not alone and hope that you continue to receive words of advice from others.
Best wishes and good luck, CJ
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