Depressed by abortion a year ago
I had an abortion on 24th March last year and not a day goes by that i don't think about it and regret it more than anything. I have always wanted children and although I knew that timing wasn't perfect, when i found out i was pregnant i really wanted it to happen. I had been with my boyfriend for 2 months but he was still in the process of breaking up with his partner, he already has 2 older children. He told me that he didn't want to have to make the decision but he knew abortion was the best option, however he really did leave the decidion to me and told me that he would understand if i wanted to keep our baby. I confided in my older sister, who has 2 children and had a miscarriage when she was very young. I was very suprised to find that she told me the only option was to have an abortion. I felt i couldn't confide in my mum because i didn't think she'd understand. I went to my doctor 2 days after finding out i was pregnant, i told her i was unsure about continuing with the pregnancy, and as soon as i said that, it was like i was a bit of dirt on the bottom of her shoe. She booked me in to the hospital to see the doctor there about abortion.
My sister came with me and the doctor there was the same, it was like i was worth nothing. I cried the whole time i was there and not once did anyone ask me if i was ok or if i was sure that i was making the right decision.
I was examined and then shipped off to have a blood test, once that was done i had to go to see one of the nurses to take the 1st table as part of the abortion process. Again i was crying and the only thing the nurse told me was that once i took this tablet there was no going back. I felt like i had no choice, i didn't want to lose my boyfriend and it seemed as though everyone around me thought i was doing the right thing.
I took the tablet and that was it. All i wanted was for someone to tell me not to did it, that there was another option and to tell me what i know now, it can really affect you afterwards.
I had a tattoo in memory of my baby, who me and my boyfriend decided a boy which we would have called Zack, it is a star on my foot. We like to look up in to the sky and see the stars and think that our baby is shining and looking down on us all the time.
Right now, a year on, i am still not handling it very well. My boyfriend has seemed to lock what happened away and never wants to talk about it. I am surrounded by women that are getting pregnant and since i started at my new job in september last year, 4 women have had miscarriages and it just brings it all back. I can't sleep, i cry all the time, my stomach is in knots and i can't believe that i went through with it. I should have had that baby, even if i was on my own, i love children more than anything and i know i could have made it work.
I'm going to my doctor today to see if they can help me because i just feel so alone, even though lots of the stories on here have helped.
I just need someone to talk to that knows how i feel, am i normal to still not have got over what i did? I
Story shared: 31/07/2008 16:36:40
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