Why do I keep on going?
I'm 32 and male, I've had some great times in my life. I've woke-up thinking it couldn't get better. I've seen things only very few have seen and been in awe of the beauty of existence on this planet, so why do I now struggle to get by from day-to-day?
Mostly I hate being single. I also hate the way I look and hate the fact that I have no purpose in life. I've have started in invent reasons to keep on going. I'm a intelligent person and know that some of the thoughts that I have are not rational, when I'm and I try to dismiss then but when I'm alone at night or worse, having nightmares about what my ex-girlfriend is doing or how she would now treat me as a stranger - it has been over a year since I have seen her last.
I just keep thinking that the good times will come back again, but I just don't know when and for how long I can keep waking-up in the morning going to work, come home, make dinner, sleep and starting it all over again.
It seems to be that I push away the people in my life, like my family and friends at the time that I need them most, but I just don't feel that they should even look at me.
I have went through years like this before, but it has never seemed so helpless - I'm just sick of this shit.
Story shared: 03/05/2008 21:41:22
Comments
I kind of like the way I look - I'm not a flawless beauty, but I'm pretty. I have a degree and a good family. I currently work as a teacher and I'm planning to go back to university in a few months, so I should be thrilled and involved in my life and projects. However, I feel that my life doesn't even "belong to me", that I'm watching things happening "from the outside". I am detached. I often feel guilty because of that. However, I am a caring girl and I truly feel for people, and with them. I really care about people and it's a shame that - generally speaking - we are often unable to ask each other for more love and more attention when we feel down and empty. To me, most people just don't know how to go about it, they don't know how to ask for things. I hate daily routine so I try to do something different every night after work. I attended dance courses, massage courses, and even religious groups (I think this experience helped me a lot - yes, I am a believer, but I think one does not necessarily need to have a strong faith to enjoy spiritual things). People are made to be together, and being hurt is a risk that is worth taking. I am not scared. I haven't got any boyfriend at the moment, but whenever I manage to go out with a few friends and they open their heart to me, then it feels fantastic. I have no particular solutions to offer, but I only wanted to say that I have experienced helplessness, loneliness, anger, disappointment and anguish, however, loving people and caring about them is truly wonderful so I don't care about hurting or being hurt, or what the meaning of life is, and stuff like that. I just love to love. That's the way it is with me, I'm happy to be a woman and I want to be involved in a mutual love exchange with those surrounding me. Sometimes I really feel bad (and pathetic), however, fear and guilt do not interest me.
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