To Shell who wrote to me about killing myself
Hiya shell thanks for everything
My name is Lucy the way im only 14 years old coming on 15. Thanks for all the stuff you have said there i nearly started crying to because you went throught all that effort just to help me i dont think no one has done that for me really thank you again :). Well as you said that what was making me think about all this stuff is that last year my mum and dad nearly split up and all i heard was shouting every day then one day my dad just left and lived with his parents for awhile and i was really upset i went and locked my self in my room i didn't want to come out for food or drink my friends and my boyfriend was worried about me and wondering why i was never awnsering there calls or txts i did lose weight to al i ate back then was bread and butter and a glass of milk or water for lunch and tea and for breakfast it was just toast with butter on and a glass of milk i no that was a bit stupid.When i went to school all the teachers cept wondering why i didn't have much for my lunch i always just said that i dont feel hungry but i could tell they knew something was up. At least they never phoned my mum up if they did god nose what my mum would of done coz it was such short notice for her when mum and dad warnt talking and stuff. i didn't want her to get stressed out about me and dad coz that would of made things worse but everything is fine now mum and dad are fine and stuff but i do still feel like killing myself.
You did say that why i dont like my looks and weight its because every morning i wake up for school and i look at myself thinking oh my god i look awful well you do really in the mornings ha ha. I dont like my body i dont think im fin anoth i weight around about 6 stone and im a size 7 but i want to be smaller i hate it my friends do say to not lose any more weight or i will just break when some one hugs me i thought they were joking around but they warnt. i do hate what i look like i dont feel pretty anoth to go out in the world my boyfriend tells me nearly every day that im pretty i do want to believe him but i dont think it tho i have been with him for 2 years 3 months and 28 days we get along together so well he i always telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and when he sometimes say that i feel so bad inside coz i have been thinking about killing myself. I did wants have a convesation about me wanting to die but he got all angry and upset so i didn't bover talking about it and moved on to something else. I could tell he would be sooo upset and wouldn't be able to cope if i do that.
I have been thinking about it after you wrote to me that loads of people will miss me and i am sort of a popular person i ahve been for years i have alwyas made friends really easy i dont have frights well i did with my kast best friend that was something no one needs to no about. At the mo my bestfriend mia she has been wanting to kill her self to but i have been saying to her (dont do it coz you might have a wonderful life ahead of ya ) even tho im thinking to myself i want to do it.
I do feel really bad now about it like i want to live the rest of my life now but im not sure. But i want to be a vet coz i love animals and i want the best for them but i think im not going to get the grades and that i need i am smart but i dont think im ever gonna make it to be a vet. And i got my boyfriend he loves me sooo much i love him the same back and he wants to be with me for ever really he has been saying that to me alot recently.
well thank you so much im not gonna stop saying thank you now he he well its true your making me think secound thoughts now what is good. I hope i do change my mind and dont end up going in the news papers (that a teenage girl has just drowned her self) that wont be cool i shouldn't really prat around about something like that i could give people iears and someone proberly has already done it and the family is really upset so im gonna shut up.
by the way if u ever want to talk to me here is my msn address.
lucyparke11@hotmail.com
you seem like a nice woman helping me out and stuff so im gonna trust you with my addy ok then i better get off bye bye hope to talk to ya soon
x x x luv lucy :)
Story shared: 28/04/2008 19:00:53
Comments
Im really sorry about the abortion i would hate to go through something like that.
Good luck to the future x x x
It's me again who responded to your first post, thank you for replying. I am so pleased that you read my post and that yu are OK - phew!
When I read your post I just felt I had to respond, as I said before I have experienced many of the feeling you have (and still do sometimes but over time it gets easier) - this led me to searching on the internet for stories of people who have experienced the same thing (that's how I came across this site and saw your story). Sometimes I think it really helps to know that there are other people out there who feeling the same as you, because at least you know you are not alone!
The feelings your are experiencing from your mom and dad's split is very normal, it is your body's way of trying to deal with the stress/trauma that you have experienced (because your mom and dad's split is a traumatic experience). My mom and dad split up when I was only 7 years old, so I know how you feel, for example you get many feelings including hurt and anger towards your parent (s), you sometimes feel that your parents split (or that they are not getting on) is all your fault, and you just want (and pray) for everything to go back to the way they were (it is a big change in your life and will have a big impact on your life no matter what). But you have to know that it really isn't your fault at all Lucy. Sometimes for whatever reasons adults find themselves in situations where they just cannot get on and in some cases decide (that it is for the best for everyone) that they can no longer live together and have to split up. That does not mean that they do not love you or that they still won't be parents to you - they will always love you and they will still be your mom and dad (from what you have said I am 100% sure they both love and want to be there for you)-
In my case my parents never got back to together so I quickly learned that they would still be parents to me but it meant they would have to do this from two seperate households. I also have a few friends whose parents split up and never got back together, it was hard for them but (like me) they eventually saw a light at the tunnel. At first you find yourself having to adapt to a situation you aren't used to, but you find that you can still build a good relationship with both parents, for example spend girlie nights in and go shopping with mom, and then also spend time with dad whether it be going on holiday, go out to cinima's or whatever. Don't get me wrong it is hard when your parents live apart but if you all work hard you can make it work...I got through it!
However enough about me (ha ha), I am very pleased for you that your mom and dad are back together and that's GREAT, this is a good thing! But I can see you are still clearly suffering from that traumatic experience (it does not help either when you are teanager, your experiencing the normal teenage hormones and teenage life with school exams, peer pressure and that all adds to the stress you are feeling). I am no doctor but I guess your feelings of low mood may be developing further into something like depression. The reason I believe this is because I had felt the some of the same feelings as you, these last few months. Also a doctor has explained to me that all the sympton of depression and is suicidal feelings is one of them (which from what you have said is what your are experiencing). Therefore I strongly suggest you get HELP fast, PLEASE.
I know you feel like you should not bother you mom or anyone with this becaue you do not want to cause them any stress, but if you end your life (especially having not told them how you are feeling)..then imagine how they will feel when they realise that you were obviously unhappy with your life and how guilty, upset, and the loss they will feel knowing that you ended your life, and that you felt that you couldn't got to them for the help and support you so truely need. Sometime when you in really a low, sad mood you do feel that ending your life is the only option and there is really no other way out - but let me tell you there is another way, you can in time make your life become better and discover the joys of life again. If you do not tell your mom or your dad how you are feeing they will blame themselves, they will feel that never had the chance to support you, look after you and protect you - because after all that's what parents are here for! I promise you that they will not think you are bothering them or causing you stress. They will be so glad that you came to both of them (or one of them) and they can help you feel better again. I went to my mom and aunty and they were realy supportive..will you at least try speaking to your mom, dad or another relative that you may close to like older cousin, aunty, uncle?
Also I think you should really visit your doctor and explain how you are feeling. You said you felt bad about it - DONT feel bad. As I say what you and I are experiencng is very normal, many people go through the same things (you only have to look at other people stories on this sie and other's sites to see this), and your doctor will be very experienced and would have seen many many people in the same situation as us. If your scared he/she will tell anyone then don't be - your doctor is bound the law (data protection) to keep all the information about you such as your appoinments, records, medication you have had all confidential, he cannot pass this information on to you anyone without your permission. So pick up the phone, phone your doctors, ask them for an appointment to see your doctor and go along and have a confidentional chat to him about everything your experiencing. However If you can I would tell a relative first about your feelings and take them along with you to the doctors for that moral support that you need. It is always nice to have someone there that you can trust with you, like your mom for instance. The doctor can then assess what may be best for you rto help you cope with these sucidal feeling and the feeling about your weight/looks to - he could look at giving you medication or he may say that councelling may be more effective (or both)...
Another option you could try talking to Lucy is a school nurse or your favourite teacher first - again I am sure they will give you the support and advise you need.
It took me a while, but I eventually went to see my doctor, and he was very understanding - after all doctors are used to seeing patients who are feeling low after a traumatic experience. I am now receiving counselling now, it is early days but I am feeling much more positive. I still have good days and bad days which can be difficult, but i can now see light at the end of tunnel. Im sure with the right help and support you will feel the same in time..they say time is great healer! So before you do anything please find the strength to speak to someone about this and then go to your doctors, please?
You said you tried to speak to your partner about this, but he was angry and upset. Please dont let this experience with your boyfriend put you off from speaking to someone else about this. I suspect your boyfriend is worried for you and is very scared of loosing you which is why he became so upset. He probably does not know either how to support you on this and so he shuts down and refuses to speak - this is also normal reaction. I think your boyfriend is trying to be there for you in his own way by reassuring you that you do mean the world to him, which is a good thing. However I feel you may benefit from speaking to someone who is alot more older and wiser who may have experienced the same feelings as you or understands your feelings and how best to deal with these feelings (because honestly ending your life isnt the answer), like your mom for instance? You have already suffered in silence for two years, it time you got some help to deal with these feeling - there is plenty of help out there, honestly you are not alone in this. trust me I’m talking from experience.
Your doctor will also be able to help you with your feelings about your weight and looks. You say you are 6 stone and a size 7 - believe me when I say you are already very slim and I am sure you look lovely. Locking yourself in your room and loosing your appetite is normal when you are feeling low is quite common, its your body ways of trying to deal with the stress/trauma you are experiencing. Your family, friends and your school must of seen you loose a lot of weight and must be very worried about you. I went through the same thing where I would stay in my room and just sleep, so I know how yu feel. I dont think you need to loose any weight and im pretty sure you are fine as you are. Think about it...would your boyfriend have been with you for 2.5 years (and want to spend the rest of his life with you) if he did not love you and think you are pretty?..would you be so popular with lots of friends if they all did not think you were such a great wonderful person to be around, would you have such great support from mom (and family) if they didn’t love you and think you were a beautiful person inside and out? please have confidence and pride in yourself...you sound such a lovely girl. You are just experiencing a very difficult period in life - but you can get through this! Please try and start to eat regularly with plenty of fruit and veg, because you could risk becoming very ill (many girls suffer bulimia and anorexia because they think they fat, when they are actually very thin) - please believe your friends/family when they tell you, you are not fat and that you are pretty, trust them! Again speak to mom or someone about how you feel about your weight and looks and then see a doctor - he/she can help you to ensure that you are fit and healthy (and not at any risk of being ill), and will ensure you maintaining a nice healthy weight that YOUR happy with.
You want to be a vet, that’s great..your ambitious too! Dont worry too much about your grades, instead try to think more positively on this I know its hard when you are feeling so low. You are only 14 so you still have time if you want to work really hard to get the grades you want. Even if you dont get the grades at school, this is not the end of the world. I know a friend who re-sat her exams again at college to get the grades she wanted to go to uni to study law (she is now a trainee lawyer) - so this can be done, so please dont give up on your dreams? remember anything worth having, you have to work hard for! Honestly I dont want you to miss out on the experience of going to college and uni - it is fun! You will meet new friends, get to socialise alot more (clubbing, shopping, cinema), you can travel in the summer (if you want) and see some beautiful countries, gain more independence, you also get money to help you through the course too - it is a great experience. I think you sound very smart and intelligent and will make a great vet, your family, friends and boyfriend will be so proud of you!
You also need to focus and think positively about you...focus on the things you DO like about yourself (not what you dont like) and compliment yourself everyday i.e. clothes, hair, personality, your good qualities, your good looks, doing something nice for someone - anything! All of this will help you to feel good about yourself and be more confident (and hopefully stop those suicidal thoughts). You will see that actually you are a great person Lucy. Also pamper yourself every day & give yourself treats...do you like having your hair done (are any of your friends good at doing your hair), paint your nails, treat your self to your favourite cakes or chocolates, do you like make up and beauty products for example (does mom and dad give you pocket money to buy stuff?)- as long as it is anything that you like and enjoy doing, ok?....
Finally I really nice lady who I spoke to when I was at my worst and feeling really, really low (no long after my abortion) recommended me to a book called The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. You can also visit the website, .thesecret.tv. If you look on the website you will see loads of people like me and you who have experienced really low mood (and depression) who have shared thier stories and have now managed to turn thier lives around for the better, after reading (or watching the DVD) of the secret. It basically teaches you how you can be, have or do anything you want in life. I think this will help you feel more positive and help you to achieve all your goals in life (including becoming a vet). Would you at least give a try please Lucy? I am half way through reading the book at the moment and I am feeling more positive already, honest! See if mom or dad will give you the cash to purchase the book or DVD, I orded mine off amazon. I really think it will help.
So please Lucy really think about this do not end your life at such a young age, when you have so much to live for. I know you and your friend cant see it at the moment , as I felt exactly the same but there is so hope. You have your friends, social life, a great career ahead of you, a boyfriend who loves you, and family who all love you. It would be so tragic for you to end your life so young and very devastating for everyone who loves you, to loose you like this. I am very confident that if you confide in your someone so that you get the support you need and get some help from your doctor/councellor, you will feel so much better, I promise. Will you please at least give this ALL a try first before you do anything? What have you got to loose if you do try (nothing)? - but you could gain alot of positives things out of this?
I am not signed onto to MSN so I will do this in the next few weeks and Message you, OK? Please stay in contact, you can talk to me whenever you want.
Good luck
Shell xxx
God you can write cant ya but anyway thanks so much for all this advice i was readig it for ages but there was aot of stuff that helped me you have saved me i cant say how much im greatful to have you at the moment. Well im gonna write another day ok coz its boyfriend problems at the moment and its bad so it is making life even more bad for me now so talk to ya later thanks so much again
luv lucy x x x
Anyway glad it all helped and I hope it is given you food for thought. Please stay in contact and send another post of you are feeling down.
I had a long think a coulpe of days ago and i thought i shouldn't waste my life on nothing and if i did die everyone will think (why did she do it for )and that so all that advice has helped me so much thanks but im guessing somedays i proberly feel like killing myself but i will just think of all the advice you have gave me.
Its like im a different person now what is good and my friends do say i seem alot different coz a couple of days ago i was down and sad about random stuff but now im so happy and really cheerful whats great and i used to feel tired alot now im just going outto places all the time and lazing around being tired its great. I have made a new fresh start to life now whats brill cant wait till the future and i no its gonna be great :) Thanks for every thing
I have been eating a bit well most of the food i used to eat sort of taste horrible for some reason and all the food i hate taste nice ts strange well i think its because of i havent been eating all the food i like and that and my taste buds are changing well it dosen't really matter at leaste im eating.
My boyfriend was getting really worried about me last week so we had a fright it wasnt good so what i did i was reading all the messages you gave to me again and got my self sorted out so now we are both cool. I sometimes should be worrying about him he eats so much but never puts on weight and he is so skinny a bit more skinner then me really he is like a size 0 what ait cool he proberly weights about 5 stone i shouldn't take the piss he has been through alot a couple of years ago he told me and they were bad i nearly started cyring about it if u got told all the stuff he told me you would be shocked its all bad.
well anyway i got to get of so i will talk to you some other time to tell you how everything is going so thanks for everything once again your the best if u were my friend i would never want to lose your friends must love you to give all this advice ok then cya bye bye
love lucy x x x x x x x
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