Dead Inside
I feel lost, like I took the wrong turn at the wrong time, because I have gone too far to do what might have been the better choice.
4 years later from leaving the place I grew up and having been betrayed by a girlfriend who was possibly the love of my life, has shaken me hard and I still cannot stop the rage and feeling of guilt and being pathetic.
I try and mix with the guys at college but they are just so different and alien to me, their choice for past times and socialising is so different to what I know that automatically they shut me out anyway.
So I sulk, and study. I thought it would be better to focus on college for a change instead of throwing it to one side and working dead end jobs for cash I will never spend anyway. I sulk by playing games, watching movies, reading stuff online, endlessly - trying to achieve something in my mind to stop me losing it.
I get the highest grades at college, but that is because I am too obsessed with it and focused on it, I do not actually know what I am talking about some of the time - and the education system here compared to where I grew up is pathetically easy. I wonder why I am bothering with it, and I am not very bright either.
I'm not very good at playing games or understanding what I research, but I keep doing it, even when there is no hope, because I can't do anything else anyway.
Then I think back to the times when I was younger and when I was active on skateboarding and always meeting really good friends, socialising outdoors in the fresh air - and wish I could have that back but I cant have it here, and worry I wont ever have a life like that again.
I try walking outside, but then end up lying down on a patch of grass watching the stars at night - wondering where it all went wrong.
I suppose I could say I also recently found this website and write this, as trying something else.
So here I am, 21 years old with 4 years wasted time, cannot bring myself to love anyone else ever again because of what happened, and on a road to nowhere going so fast, with no scenery - just flat and straight, and a matter of time if I make it to the end or if I crash.
I guess I am not crazy yet, because I managed to write this. But I just cant make it stop, the nightmares, constant nightmares going on and on night after night. I believe in science but I also believe in mother nature and I will not take drugs to make myself feel better, legal or illegal ones.
There is no point asking myself why, or why me, shit happens I guess - not everyone is a winner, maybe I'm a loser. But I will ask one thing...
"Is anyone out there?"
Story shared: 28/04/2008 02:13:13
#289 View the comments about this story Hope - Childhood - death - lonely - Help
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