I don't know what to do....
I am really struggling at the moment. I was eight weeks pregnant and i had an abortion on the 20th January 2008. At the time I thought this was the right thing to do, but now i think it was the worst decision of my life. I found out I was pregnant on new years day.
I thought about it until my heart ached with the pain. I thought that I wasn't ready, that I didn't have any/enough money, no place to live, a decent job - all the thoughts that swirled around my head when I got this major shock. These were the basis of my awful decision.
I had the abortion and I have made a terrible mistake. I am in so much mental pain and anguish that I am exhausted. To top it all off, I started a new job a few weeks ago and i absolutely hate it. I have hated it from the first day that I started and I have been there nearly a month. I feel extremely trapped and at times feel unable to breathe with the overwhelming sadness of it all.
I hate myself and the mess that I have gotten into. My life is not even worth it. I want to leave my job but I am scared to. How stupid is that? I have no ties, I have not made any friends there so I should just leave right, so that I can grieve properly?
I often just think about booking a flight and getting away from it all. I am 25 and still living at home, so I could do it right? I don't have any ties, no mortgage, no debt, no nothing. I have lost my confidence, my self worth, my life all because I was so scared.
I knew that my boyfriend wanted the baby, I found a google search with " I am going to be a father" tapped into the search field That hurt me so much, and made my decision even harder. I am crying now as I type this, as I have been such a fool, such a fool.
I hate the person that I am, such an indecisive coward. I have ruined my life .
I saw a sign today on the london underground saying "if you hate your life change it" and then i typed help me from this madness into google and the first result was "take a break". Is this a sign that I am again ignoring as I don't have the confidence to take a risk?
I am so so sad and hurt right now. All the things that I thought would help me have hindered me. Everything seems bleak and empty, maybe I do need to take that break, as what I have been through in the past few weeks is an emotional rollercoaster.
I need some guidance, mental and physical and possibly spiritually. I need something tangible.
It has only been 6 weeks since my abortion and it has been the longest 6 weeks of my life. The pain is unbelieveable, I just cannot describe the grief, the black hole, the darkness that I feel.
I hope to find the solution soon, i just needed to get this off my chest, as I have no one to talk to. I tried talking to my boyfriend soon after but the impression I got was he didnt want to hear it. I think I may need councelling.
Thank you for reading.
Story shared: 11/03/2008 21:13:43
#251 View the comments about this story abortion - sadness - councelling - grief - job - work - life - struggle - pregnancy
Comments
ave never been pregnant before, and sometimes i wonder what i would do if i were. some of my friends have gone through this pain ur going through, and i can only be there for them.
this isnt a pain that someone can sweep away, i can tell ur very unhappy.
are u still with ur bf?? why do u hate ur job??...maybe having a job can help u take ur mind off ur mistake.
dont kill urself over what was done. what is done is done.now the best u can do is to forgive urself...if u dont, u'll only always be hurting...and maybe in teh process hurting everything around u.
running away from ur problem doesnt take the problem away....it follows u everywhere...face it and learn to forgive urself of this...
i hope in time u will. and i hope u and ur bf hold on the love u had / have and comfort eachother....
ur in my prayers...
I hope in time that you will be able to forgive yourself and come to terms with your loss. I am not yet there either and I am still strugglying with the same feelings you have, it appears to me that everywhere I go I see a pregant woman and feel extreamely jealous for them.
I am currently undertaking councelling at the moment so I am hoping this may help. Maybe you should consider councelling aswell you may find it helps you deal with your emotions, or even going to your doctors to explain to him/her about how you feel.
You say that you still with your boyfriend? Maybe you could try explaining how you feel again to him and ask him for his support in getting through this? Maybe you could see how he feels, work through this together, it could be that he is also feeling the same as you, but does not know how to say. If not do you have anyone else you can talk to about this?
If your not enjoying your job at the moment..then why not take some time off, can you take annual leave (or some time off sick)? If you are truely not happy there then maybe you could start looking for another job at some point, nothing is stopping you....but I do think you need to look after yourself first as a priority (take time off to grieve), then when you are feeling better, you can start to make plans for the future including change of jobs.
I think a holiday may not be a bad idea, this was suggested to me by a councellor as a way of healing (and looking after me), it also gives you something to look forward to. I am yet to go on holiday as I am trying to find friends who can afford to go with me (as they have children), but you have your partner to go with? As the person said above it won't make your problems go away but it may do you good just to get away, work through your feeling and recharge your batteries.
At 25 years old you are still young and you still have your life ahead of you. There is still plenty of time fo you to gain the happiness that you want, so take time to come to terms with what's happened, see a councellor to help you through this. Then one day in the future when you are both ready I am sure you will have the opportunity to have a baby you long for. Good luck!
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