True life stories.

I'm lost...

I don't know what to do. Growing up with physical, sexual and emotional abuse from my father taught me that complaining only made things worse. If I complained I would get hurt. If I cried, I would get hurt. If I was around when he was violent, you guessed it, I would get hurt. I have many, too many, scars from my childhood. Some are visible. Many aren't.
My father would beat my mother, my brother, and me. He used to hurt the animals we had, but when they fought back, the natural thing to do, he had them put down or re-homed. My father went one step further with me. Starting from the age of about 5, he would hold me down, and touch me, and he would insist on bathing me, but had 'other intentions'. He also forced me to perform oral sex on him, and if I didn't, he would hit me like hell. If I ran, he would find me, and then there would be touble.
At first I thought it was normal for a man to hit his wife and children, but soon I realised it wasn't. I tried to tell my mum that he was doing things to me, sexually, but whenever I tried, she would turn things around so the focus was on her. She does it to this day. Anyway, I tried to turn to her, and failed, so I turned to my last chance - my brother. As it turns out, he listened, but took advantage of the situation. Being older, bigger and stronger, he started doing what my father did - he forced me to perform oral sex on him and his friend. I looked for help, and found more trouble.
Now, at the ripe old age of 17, I don't ask for or accept help, and I don't trust anyone. I'm paranoid, lacking confidence, and I don't let people in close.
I changed my name , legally, but my dad found me, found my school and has been contacting them, getting all my personal details. We have a restraining order against him, but it won't stop him. I'm scared.
Ironically, what I really need is someone to tell this to, who will understand, help and hug me... I can fight my own battles. I have done as no one else has been able to do it for me, I'm a strong girl, but I need someone who I can trust. That sounds like a total contradiction but I can't get it into words. I can fight my own battles, but I need a safe-space. I need the love I never got I suppose.
Reading this just shows though - I'm fucking pathetic.

Story shared: 18/02/2008 22:53:58

#248 View the comments about this story Tags: hatred - Pain - desperation - Help - Childhood

Comments

#1 by Sybil13 on 26/02/2008 14:59:26 (id-901).
Hi I have only just turned to this website after googling real life stories pain or something like that and I noticed your story has not been responded to and felt a need to respond . With all this clearly up on the surface I assume you must have spoken to someone about this, clearly this is not going to be helped by a response on this website. Finding help and getting heard is not easy but there are some phone help lines out there which are a good place to start. There are Rape Crisis lines that help people who have been abused as children on a one to one basis. However, as you yourself say getting close asking for help when you have had to be strong and learning to trust do run counter to not trusting anyone and having to stay strong in order to keep yourself safe. Whilst not wanting to turn your story round so the focus is on me as your mum does, I am 55 years old with a story that has never been told because I have never found anyone to hear. Recently my life situation tipped me over the edge and the abuses that have never been heard started to ooze out at the edges of that strong personality that has held things together for so long. Times have changed in many ways since I was 17, you are so very young and it is important for you to recognise how amazing you have been holding so much together for so long. It will take you a long time to realise that life does not have to be a battle, that there are good people out there, that help and hugs will come your way and that you DESERVE THE VERY BEST. You not only need the love you never got, and a safe space that you never got you also need to find a way of getting back some of the childhood you never got too. What is more you need to find a way to do this before you go out and create it all again as I did over and over and over looking for the love, looking for the hugs looking to be heard. Contact your local Citizens Advice, do some searches online for the area you live in find groups, find support and if you feel up to it read some of the wonderful books there are around.

I went into HAVOCA website last week and cried through their introduction, sadly they are not taking on any more telephone referals but there is an online support board.

If there is ONE thing you can do for yourself today it is to vow NEVER to call yourself fucking pathetic ever again, and to start telling yourself as many times as you can muster how deserving of love you are and beautiful and innocent you are. My thoughts are with you x

#2 by Just me on 26/02/2008 17:52:03 (id-904).
Thankyou for taking the time to comment, Sybil13. As bad as it sounds, I thought that after such a long time, no one cared what I wrote anyway.
Thanks for your advice, but it's too hard and painful to talk to people, admit what happened. That's why I wrote it on here. My family doesn't know about most of these things, and they don't know me. They know the happy, smiling, joking person who acts like nothing ever happened. I don't mean to sound rude, but I was thankful to get your comment, being as experienced in life as you are.
Take care, stay strong.
Once again, thankyou. From deep inside.

#3 by sybil13 on 27/02/2008 00:07:02 (id-905).
It is terribly terribly hard having to live a lie but its how most of us survive so we must give ourselves 10 out of 10 for doing so. It is a lot for you to carry though on your own but well done posting your story somewhere and recognising that there is more to you than most people, even yourself knows. We learn to protect those we love and that includes those hurt parts of self as well as family members . Reading through your original posting it does sound like some part of you is really crying out to be heard but I do understand that without the support of family or friends its a hard road to even set out on , that is admitting even to ourselves what has happened let alone to anyone else. DO keep listening to yourself, do spend time allowing yourself to be YOU it must be so hard for you having to carry so many secrets that hurt x

True life stories.

I'm lost...

Comments

Add you're comment