True life stories.

without love or understanding

I was bought up ok with mum and sister, but life went seriously down hill durung shcool at the age of 15, apart from the bullying and been made to kiss a boys shoes or i would have been burnt in a metalshop class, there were also times of being puched in the face for no reason, and every phisics class made to cry before the teacher arrived, my knickname was rat.
To make things worse i was offered a printing job outside school which i assumed to be ok - by one of the girls in another class. After working their for a while, it turned out - i was touched up on regular evenings by the girls dad and was given extra pay to watch porno movies and be touched. this went on for over a year until the police turned up, i had to go to a identity parade, i didnt understand at the time that it was wrong.
on my 17th i started work and felt alone it was a harsh reality work place and was reapetedly punished this led to depression and so cutting my wrists and taking asprin took place,
at the age of 24 life took a turn better but also had its downfalls, after going out alone i did meet a caring lady who was mature but for some reason our friendship did not take an even or caring approach as the conversation soon dissapeared, i was completly shut off and needed to chat, my feelings were torn apart and left in tears, i soon was sleeping alone holding the covers thinking of her holding me tight, this is the only person i have for love and warmth even though i will never see her again. My first girl friend took me in but told me nasty comments and this shattered my feelings, although i did pull through. Now it seems im a pervert and a leper and should take care ect. There is really no care and as i said to my first who are the only person who cares - and to the person who i never see but only in desperation, i love you .

Story shared: 17/02/2008 22:40:48

#247 View the comments about this story Tags: without care

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#1 by Sybil13 on 26/02/2008 15:34:21 (id-902).
Oh my word I only turned to this website by chance and I feel so sad that so many of these stories are not being responded to, just responded to the one about being LOST. What can I say to you now ? I wonder how old you are now. Again I have to ask , have you ever sort help for the abuse ? I also want to say that if anyone else has not had their story responded to please read this and know I am speaking to you all. You imply your father was not around as you were growing up and then at a time of enormous vulnerablity and sexual awakening , a time when we all struggle, you were abused. This is not something to be brushed under the carpet , you need to speak. The fact that you have left a message here says I NEED TO TELL MY STORY . And stories need to be told and told and told until life really does begin to take a turn for the better. After the age of 24 your story on the page appears muddled and I sense this is exactly how it feels to you too. Having been abused myself and struggled all my life I am painfully aware how abused children create an abusive environment around themselves , unconsciously of course. Its a very modern new age type concept that our thoughts create our reality but sadly it has more truth than most of us want to believe. You really need to work through the issues from your childhood, your Dads absence and then your experience with the father you never had, was the man charged do you know? That man was probably seen also as a pervert and a leper yet as you say you didn't even realise there was anything wrong at the time . Abusers often have been abused that is the sad and sorry truth of it, it doesn't make what they do right but it does show time and time again the importance of us all being willing to hear their stories too. Somewhere in all the muddle of feelings and life experiences that you call by your name, is a young man , a lost boy, that deserves the very best that life has to offer. LOOK for some phone lines for abused males, tell the story of your Dad it might bring up some useful insights into why people respond to you by bullying and humiliating you. I have struggled in my own life and had many insights yet I am aware that I still walk around with an invisible notice board on my head that says BLAME ME, and people do all the time. Someone once said all affirmations work even the one that says affirmations dont work. Nobody can mend our lives for us, we have to do the work, it is so much easier if someone starts to love and care for us for us to start loving and caring for ourselves, but sometimes only we can take that step for ourselves and it gives the greenlight for others to step in and start loving and caring for us also. Posting here was a good start now find some groups of men to go and speak about what has happened to you. Again look for some books, read other people's stories use what has happened to understand who you are then YOU can become eventually the person that you are looking for in your life and offer that love and warmth to another who will respond by offering it back to you. Bless you on your incredible journey .

True life stories.

without love or understanding

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