Falling into a black hole
It's 2:30pm. I'm still in my dressing gown sat on my sofa. I'm out of work at the moment and know I won't be able to get another freelance contract til the new year. Hence why I'm just sitting here. I'm very lucky that I have a loving partner, money in the bank and a family who care about me. Why then can't I shake off this feeling of despair?
I feel like I'm battling with demons that no-one else can see. I'm sure my friends and family see me as someone who'd never get depressed. Always laughing or joking. But I've become very good at hiding it. It comes in waves. The despair will be with me for a few months until a new work contract forces me to get off the sofa and concentrate on something else. But when I'm not working (and sometimes when I am) my brain feels like a stuck record. Endlessly replaying moments in the past that hurt. Moments of being bullied at school, bullied at work, opportunities I didn't take, people who have hurt me who I wish I'd have stood up against. A huge anger and bitterness has built up inside me. I'm sure that those I work for can see it. Maybe that's why my work is suffering and I'm here, sat on my sofa, feeling 'what's the point?'
I used to be incredibly passionate about my job, a real go-getter, but after years of being demoralised by the cut-throat industry I can't muster the energy or desire to get back up and fight. I feel defeated. I feel that a once great future I had mapped out for me just isn't going to happen. It was the reason I got up in the morning, the belief that I would conquer all challenges set before me and rise the top. But finally, my heart has been destroyed by the constant attacks of people at work telling me I'm no good and will never make it.
I told all this to my doctor, asking for help with depression. He told me I wasn't depressed. Depressed people look awful, don't shave and are miserable. We are, but only when alone. I put on a pretty good front for everyone else, including my partner. But deep down inside, where their used to be hope, and a wonderful feeling that I could acheive anything, now there is just anger and hatred.
I don't know what to do.
Story shared: 12/12/2007 14:43:18
Comments
The problem, and it is a huge problem, with contracting is that we never create permanent long lasting social structures within our working lives. Just a perpetual wandering feeling. I have worked with some brilliant people, but when I leave it's just a total loss situation.
When we seek another contract, and yes it does take months, we are seeking someone, somewhere who wants us, who appreciates our worth, who knows what we have achieved, and who values what we know. It rarely happens. Employers just want a donkey, someone to fill a hole. We are never valued beyond the final pay cheque. Then we move on, constantly seeking that approval.
I have worked in many places where I can see what the problems are, where I know I could increase profits massively, but does anyone listen...never.
Midlands Girl is right...change tack...if you are going to stay in your present line of work then refuse to take jobs that don't pay what you ask for, that brings back self worth, I have done it and although I am often out of work I have doubled my salary in 18 months. I call it pay back time.
I even bought a house in another country as an escape route, I would love to earn money a different way. My huge problem is that I know that I cannot do it alone, I need someone who wants the same thing so that we can help each other on the journey and share the benefits.
In the meantime I too will be sat here, alone, in front of the PC just waiting for the phone to ring..and I have been here since 19 Dec absolutely alone.
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