Dealing with it
Its 2.38am and Im sitting here writing this after scratching fuck out of my arm. Its something I used to do a lot when I was a kid. If youd have asked me at the time why I wouldnt be able to tell you. Now looking back it seems I am just a typical clich of a child in a broken home. Crying out for attention and instead just being a burden.
I went ages without scratching my arm (I dont want to say self harm I feel thats too serious) but it all started again when I moved away to uni and felt iscolated in a place where I couldnt seem to connect with anyone, for whatever reason. I dont always do it everytime I get upset. It only seems to be when Ive hit rock bottom and need a way to control my hysteria. I put the Uni experience behind me when I transferred back home and everything seemed to be going well but now I feel Im unravelling again. My friend from school was killed in a car crash recently. The whole experience has been horrible because it so didnt need to happen and she had so much going for her in life. The feeling of helplessness is too much to bear at times. So while dealing with these emotions the day after the funeral my ex decides to tell me hes met someone else. I wouldnt normally care but his reasons for why it couldnt work with us but could with her were pretty soul destroying. Apparently Im a great girl but the chemistry wasnt there for him to fall in love with me, which is why he ended it. Cant help but feel its my fault, if only I was different he would have stayed. These two events in isolations would have been more bearable, not in the slightest easy, but bearable. But together its like this pit of uselessness and pure helplessness with me right at rock bottom unable to escape. So my feelings are grief mixed with my own self pity that I couldnt make my life work with someone I thought liked me.
Whenever Im overwhelmed by this I just seem to start running my nails down my right arm. Sometimes I dont even notice at first until it gets harder and more painful and I sometimes draw blood. I breathe deeply at the same time so in a way it calms me down and makes me feel better even writing this the tingling sensation on my arm is comforting. But I know this is not a normal way to deal with bad situations. There are other ways to grieve and other ways to deal with men who make you feel like shit. Its just I dont know what they are. Im a doormat and I dont know why.
Story shared: 10/12/2007 03:09:51
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i wish you the best
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