True life stories.

I just want to feel different...

I am seeing my friends getting married, getting pregnant, having babies, renovating houses (with their partners) whereas I have always been single (I am 32), live alone in a one-bedroom flat and struggling with debt (so no renovations for me!).

To onlookers I might look like I have had a successful life. I went to a good school, went to Oxbridge, got a job in the City and get paid very well. However, I have been depressed for most of my adult life (unbeknown to most people I come into contact with). I have been very good at hiding my very low feelings. I have supported my family financially and emotionally ever since I started earning money and it has become a massive drain on me. I feel as though I have never really had any fun in my life. I always had to be responsible, be the dutiful daughter from a very young age.

I am so lonely right now. I feel so empty. I keep saying to myself that I will meet someone soon and I won't feel this way - but ~I have been saying this for at least 10 years. I then try to shift the focus from finding someone special, but meeting new people and hanging out with my friends, but for some reason this does not make me happy. With my current friends I get so bored - I hate listening to their stories about their houses, babies, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends etc. Please don't get me wrong, I am not self-centred, but I cannot relate to what my friends are saying to me anymore or going through. I try to meet new people, but in London people are not good at being friendly and it seems that a lot of people already have a bunch of close friends and do not need anymore.

I am not sure where this is all going, so I am sorry if you are reading this and wondering what on earth I am on about! I am just tired of spending my evenings crying about how lonely I feel. I know I should just get out there and meet people, but I find it really hard. People who know me aren't aware of how lonely I am as I come across as confident and outgoing, but for some reason my social life is non-existent.

I just want to feel different - I want to meet new and exciting people who are not just popping babies out or doing a "Grand Designs" project! I want to feel that someone is attracted to me for me and wants to spend time with me without having to play games.

Any advice anyone?

Story shared: 17/11/2007 23:17:36

#203 View the comments about this story Tags: lonely

Comments

#1 by midlands gal on 20/11/2007 20:35:02 (id-765).
I can relate to what you are saying. Many people are so wrapped up in their own lives and children they dont think of those on their own or are feeling lonely. People can be selfish without realising it. The world is a lonely place and its easier said than done meeting new people, you cant just go up to strangers and ask them to be your friend as they will look at you strange. Its also hard meeting people who share your interests or those who are the same as you but believe me they are out there. You could join up facebook on the internet, theres a place you can start meeting new people with similar interests. You are not alone, you have found this place too. If you wanna friend ill be here for you xx

#2 by london based professional on 30/11/2007 01:25:36 (id-772).
I too find that london can be a lonely place. Let me give you a tip that has worked for other people I know: Go back to school! and make sure you study something you really want to learn, not because it leads to better jobs, more prestige or a higher paycheck, but because you are interested in it. You will be bound to find likeminded people with interests other than babies, mortgages and insurances. Tell your family they have to figure it out on their own for the next 1 or 2 years cos you are going to do something just for yourself only. good luck.

#3 by Zed on 28/12/2007 21:40:49 (id-817).
God I can so relate to this! All my friends are popped babies and getting married and doing up their hourses and Im 31 and single with debts and a mediocre job. I have also suffered from depression all my life, but I really think this age is bad for it, as it shows up the contrast between what you want and what you have. Ive started feeling like a Darwinian failure and that Im going to die alone and eaten by my cat! I have thought - is it really worth living if I have to spend the rest of my life alone and childless? Well I guess an army of spinster aunts think so. (Im just hoping my brother has a kid, as being an eccentric aunt is my back up plan) I suppose that if you know you are going to be alone forever, then at some point you just accept it and make the best of things. In the words of Ann Widdicombe of all people - its like drowning, once you stop struggling,its suprisingly pleasant! But at 31/32 the threat of this happenning is worse than reality. This is what I keep telling myself anyway! I guess if I really want kids I can go for the sperm/friend donor option, but its hardly ideal, and at what point do you cut off all hope of finding a partner. If its any consolation a friend of mine has just found an amazing boyfriend aged 35, after a long string of losers. It can happen!
With regards to supporting your family, I reckon you have done your fair share. People will often take what they can and its up to you to set the limit on how much you are prepared to contribute. If you have debts, then these are a priority.
I think the suggestion above is fantastic. Even if just a night class, you get social contact, learn something new and interesting, and it gets you out the house.
Hope it goes well
Z

True life stories.

I just want to feel different...

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