True life stories.

The Pit of Despair/ Black Dog

I have everything you could want in life yet at times I find myself so low and demotivated I feel as though I am finished. To all appearances I am a successful partner in a media business, we employ 25 staff and have a happy workplace, something I pride myself on. Yet I spend so much time making sure everyone else is happy I think i forget about myself.
At home I have a wonderful Wife and children.
Yet I can wake up in the middle of the night crying with such powerful feelings of despair and gloom that I do not get back to sleep. some nights I wake at 2 am and do not get back to sleep. I spoke to my wife about this and she is sympathetic but she said I enjoy doing this! She also advised me to go to the doctor.
During the day I often feel helpless and useless even though I find myself swamped by work.
I discussed this with my business partner who seems to deal with stress so much better than me. He tells me to start new projects and get enthused by this.
I really worry that I suffer from depression, My mother suffered from depression from when I was 6 until she died a couple of years ago. she also stuggled with Alcoholism over these 30 years. I don\'t go to the doctor because I fear he might diagnose a mental disorder.
My Father was also an Alcoholic and died 10 years ago. I work hard at not making my parents mistakes and try to make sure my children do not have to suffer as I did (and my younger brother and sister)
When I am down I feel I am in a pit of despair with no way out. It is never entirely rational as apart from fairly normal stresses my life is much better than many. I feel very selfish writing this down and that is making me angry. When you count your blessings and see what is good in your life then consider the lives of others not so fortunate then I do feel that my self centred whinging is pretty disgraceful. Perhaps I need a kick up the backside, but nobody is prepared to do this.
At the time of writing I really want to lift my mood and get back some personal motivation hopefully this will happen sooner rather than later. I am not going to the doctor yet, and I am prepared to admit this may be a mistake but I could not live with the shame of being labelled depressed.

This site has been a real help and it is good to know I am not alone in these feelings.

Story shared: 17/08/2006 15:10:06

#2 View the comments about this story Tags: "Despair"

Comments

#1 by Christopher John on 23/08/2006 18:14:26 (id-5).
Thank you for taking the time to share your story and I hope that others will be able to help encourage you with their comments as more and more people read this site. Whatever our problems, whoever we are, everything is relative so dont ever beat yourself up. I know that you have encouraged a lot of people by writing a story on here. Thank you for your support, Best wishes and Good Luck CJ

#2 by lei on 28/08/2006 22:31:38 (id-8).
it is nice to see that although life started off with a pretty rubbish hand, things have improved for you! It is always suc a shame that people will not go to the doctors for treatment of an illness, I myself suffer from depression and after getting so low i attepted to take my own life i found the help I needed. Depression is so much more than a state of mind. But please remember that things can get better. Try looking up depression on the internet, you will be suprised the amount of ways you can help yourself without medication. Most of all keep strong and keep talking. Take care Lei xx

#3 by Lester on 31/08/2006 16:08:02 (id-12).
Thank you for your honesty - it is common to experience some downs in this life. That is normal. Clearly you are a deep thinker and the issues of life may linger on your mind a little more than with some other people. Being able to express these thoughts is helpful inorder to bring clarity and peace of mind. At times speaking the words out loud in a safe space/friend etc, can reveal if we really believe those things or we need to cast out the irrelevant noise of things which would steal and clutter our lives.

#4 by Justin on 31/08/2006 16:54:37 (id-13).
You know how you choose the meals that you eat on a daily basis and from your eating your body then works out what will nourish it and what will not. The unhealthy and unhelpful leaves the body hopefully on a daily basis (smile).
Being bombarded by so much external information today in our busy lives, we can soon become overloaded and we forget to "take out the trash"
of ideas, thoughts, memories that do not nourish, help and encourage our futures. Food for thought.

#5 by Snap on 01/09/2006 08:37:17 (id-14).
I felt compelled to write a comment to you after reading your story as our circumstances and feelings are precisely the same. I also run a media business, am happily married with a wondeful child and a beautiful home. I have suffered from depression for longer then I have wanted to accept and took a long time to seek help because I also felt the how ridiculous I was being when the world is so screwed up and I am just some whining idiot earning lots of money and living a life that others would aspire to. However, a death in the family lead to such severe depression that I consulted my doctor, who offered a drugs, therapy or a combination of both. I chose therapy only and it was the best decision I have ever made. My mother is an alchocolic who has recently been diagnosed as bi-polar (but I am not).

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone and need to seek the help that you need, without fear of recrimination. Everyone has been hugely supportive of my choice to go into therapy and most poeple have seen it as an act of bravery rather then a sign of weakness.

#6 by listener on 06/09/2006 21:12:18 (id-20).
friend, you do need help. a doctor will help you by putting you in touch with people who will listen and not judge you. do not be angry with yourself, you cannot be strong all the time, there has to be a balance to your life, a release, a doctor will help you find that again. there is no stigma attached to depression, it happens and can be treated. the actual fact that you can't find a reason for your condition is why you should seek professional advice, those professionals can help you find the reasons, and help you solve the problems. take care, get well.

#7 by Blue on 10/09/2006 16:30:39 (id-26).
Sometimes being in a successful, secure, comfortable life throws into sharp relief everything which we feel is not right. But like CJ said, everything is relative. Your pain is no less real or intense than anyone else's and your circumstances have no bearing on how justified you are in feeling low. In fact, it is often the case that people in your position suffer the most because you do not feel like you are entitled to lean on anyone. It made me so sad to see you thinking of yourself as whingeing, selfish, disgraceful or that you need a kick up the backside - I think it's crystal clear to anyone reading your story that that couldn't be further from the truth. You must abandon those awful thoughts immediately! As for enjoying your suffering, what a load of rubbish, I hope you took no notice of that cutting and thoughtless comment.
You hinted several times about clinical depression and I think underneath you know the real score here. Only you know what is the right course of action to take, and you will make the right decision. I wish you the best of luck with whichever way you go, you deserve to be happy and you will get through these dark times.
x

#8 by sonia on 18/11/2006 18:08:19 (id-304).
i know how u feel - i have a nice hubby and child but feel really down even though people are constantly telling me how lucky i am to have what i have got!! Ur not wrong in feeling the way you do - the fact that u are feeling low is what counts -- reasons can be many. i cant really advise you anything coz i feel the same and need advise myself!!

#9 by Jaybe on 04/02/2007 11:44:19 (id-459).
I felt exactly the same about admitting that I was depressed. My worst fear was someone telling me that yes, I had depression. I thought that would be such a failure. I had stomach pains etc and eventually a doctor referred me to someone who might be able to help with my anxiety. She prescribed antidepressants - so by my standards, this was the end of the world. Officially depressed, and on antidepressants.
In fact, that was the week my life started again. It was like someone just switched the lights back on and I felt like me for the first time in literally years. Like waking up from a bad dream. And you know what, there isn't any shame in it. I never believed that "depression is an illness" until I had the evidence of the medication treating it. Some of us don't produce enough insulin, some of us don't produce enough seratonin, so what?
Not saying that this applies to your situation, but just wanted to share my story with you. I don't feel any less of a person for getting help - I just feel thankful for surviving! Go easy on yourself - no-one else will judge you.

#10 by unigal on 25/03/2007 16:35:12 (id-520).
c'mon mate, u urself, being part of the media buisness as it were should well know that what you are afraid of is the STIGMA attached to depression. its not afraid of being depressed but of what other people think. Its up to you who you tell that u have depression or not and most ppl use it later on as a strength rather than a weakness. it adds a splash of drama or colour to a character, something which you have sturggled with but overcome brilliantly....if u accept it and get help, and whats more u'l b a pioneer, ul help cross out this silly media hype stigma of depression being a bad notch on someones character and ability.

True life stories.

The Pit of Despair/ Black Dog

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