From child to mother
My story starts when I was just a little girl. I started off quite shy and very sensitive so when I was subjected to an abusive stepfather from the age of 4 I became even more withdrawn. There was a constant tension in the house, and so I became to love school. I escaped into books and excelling in the classroom. However, I didn't have a shred of self-esteem. I thought I was ugly and hateful. I would be punished by my stepfather for reading a word wrong in a book, was threatened with a belt many times for minor incidences, threatened by him dangling me over a bridge into the river and generally scared out of my head every day. I was also sexually abused by him while he lived with us. Age 4 to 7.
As a child I was, unsurprisingly, a perfectionist in the truest sense of the word. There was not a toy out of place, everything I could control I did control. As I grew older I became exhausted from the constant pressure that I had put myself under and became the sort of perfectionist that sees the results will not be up to scratch so does not see the point in trying. I found my schoolwork harder and harder and eventually I practically stopped trying. I attempted suicide at the age of 17 because of my homework! This shocks me now, I really did hate myself and felt there was no way out. I now look back and realise what a hard time I was giving myself, but also I have great compassion because I was powerless for my whole childhood and I did not know how to cope. This sense of compassion for myself and others continues to this day and I think it is one of my greatest qualities.
Fast forward to my early twenties and I fell pregnant by accident. I decided to keep the baby and had a partner who loved me. I did not reckon on all the feelings from my childhood being stirred up, namely how little I was protected by my mother. I still do not understand this because if anyone was hurting or scaring my child there is nothing I would not do to save him. I feel that I have a stronger feeling of protection over my child because of this - I can't say for sure of course, but I have to battle with myself everyday to let him explore the world him and not wrap him up in cotton wool.
When my son was a baby I became ill with depression, and obsessive thoughts (flashbacks really) and I felt I was not living up to the mother that I should have been. I still feel guilty about this time but I know I did do everything I could to help myself. I was self-harming and ended up on prozac with no end of counsellors and psychiatrists, but I could not open up to them about what I was seeing in my head. The prozac finally kicked in and I became closer to my baby. I noticed some things in him were not quite right, namely his communication and reciprocity. I was told by the health professionnals that I was being an overprotective mother. They have admitted this week that he possibly has an Autistic Spectrum Disorder and will need lots of support in school. From my depressive time I now recognise when I am heading this way and tend to look after myself better, i.e. if I need a break, I have a break, without the guilt! I have also learnt to trust my instincts with my boy, I know him better than anyone else.
I know I will be there for my boy even though I had no such example from my parents. I know the following years will be hard and potentially heartbreaking, but despite everything I have a very close relationship with my son, whom I adore. He communicates with me and is affectionate, I just need to help him do this with the rest of the world. There is a way, he is just going by a different route.
So here I am, recently split up with my child's father, with no income and no home of my own, in a town that I do not regard as home and no way to get back to my real hometown. I have nothing but the love of my child, and I am happy! I am because through everything, I have learnt about myself, about my strengths and weaknesses and I know that nothing could ever get as bad as when I was a child. I have lived through that and I can live through anything. I am strong in my core and I will never let anything break me. I believe in myself for the first time in my life.
Story shared: 29/10/2007 23:58:04
#197 View the comments about this story strong - abuse - Childhood - autism - depression - self harm - suicide
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