*content**with**nothing*
I don't know why I think the way I do; or act the way I act; or for any matter why am I who I am? It's the question I've asked myself over and over but was never able to answer.
After reading a few of the stories on this website I realized that there are a lot of people that share some similarities with my unfornuate traits or... attributes (if you prefer). All I know is that I'm not a person that can actually look into my past and pull out a time where I was happy. I can pick times where I wasn't sad but that's about as good as it gets. Now I know there will be somebody who will say "well if you weren't sad at that time then you where obviousley happy." Now that sounds all well and good but the point is I wasn't and I hate myself for it. The reason being is that there has been a few things happen to me that I should be happy about but for some reason I just have emptiness inside of me and a lot of pain. I honestly am starting to believe that there are some people who genuinely are unable to (for lack of a better term) feel or appreciate.
Now living life with only contentment to look forward to is horrible, excpecially when you are like 10 when you realize it. I am 21 now so it has been a minimum of 11 years (that I can remeber) feeling this way. Almost exactly in the middle of this timeline I was fed up with it, I was down, I spent days on end in my dad's dark basement staying in bed all day. I went days without eating. There were days where I didn't sleep and then there were days where I never got out of bed. I became so fed up and angry at life that I attempted to kill myself; the only reason I am here and writing this is because I called my one friend prior to me doing this and he thought I sounded strange. So he came over to find me lying on the floor with a bag of pills on the bar and lines of cocaine and crushed pills. I don't remember anything from that but I did move up in thinking now that I'm 21. Although I still feel exactly the same way I did then and understand that I may just be one of those people that cannot be happy.
Well that's all I'm going to write now...It felt kinda good writing this I have to say. I want to extend a thanks to anyone who read this and a special one to anyone that read this and understands even a little of what I'm talking about.
Story shared: 19/10/2007 19:42:34
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