Feeling lonely and pathetic
Hi there,
I am a 39 year old man. Having read the postings on this site, I feel my story is slightly different. Many of the contributors feel trapped in families or jobs, whereas I feel I cant even get that far. I have never been loved, or know what it is like to have offspring cuddle me. Having a wasted life is intensely bleak, feeling on the outside looking in.
I have a somewhat sensitive nature which hinders me from living my life. I have a fear of emotional hurt or hurting any one. I feel burdened with an unshakeable pessimism which leads me to never having long term relationships or a steady career. I just cant get my life sorted. My head is full of "if only's" . I am truly pathetic at times.
I do desire to be in a relationship.
Here's a typical scenario: I try to be relaxed with a woman, then I think Im too boring, then I try to be more interesting, then I feel I'm trying too hard, So then I'm jokey, then I think I'm being cheesy, so I become more intellectual, then I feel I'm too intense, then I think I'm trying too many different angles and appearing insincere, so I become disheartened and I give up the ghost.
I am suppose what you would call a sad case, a loser. And in my worst moments I feel freakish. Now I wake most mornings and think about time racing away. I fear the loneliness and bleakness will simply continue which fuels self resentment which knocks my confidence. This cycle seems unstoppable. I simply dont know how people seem to be so together, and forge structured happy lives. I lack the energy to do anything about it. I feel institutionalised by life.
I know it sounds as if I am my own worst enemy, well that's true. I don't know if anyone feels as pathetic. Boy, have I got some issues. Take care.
Story shared: 24/09/2006 19:44:28
Comments
Good luck with your story, best wishes and take care, CJ
wow. Thank you for taking the time to respond to stranger. It warmed me up.
and thanks for calling me caring, honest and runny, (Did you mean I am a good egg?) ;-)
I liked your line about not judging oneself before giving anyone else the chance. Nail on the head. Thanks again, you've made a difference. Bigger hug back.
x
Meeting people, especially compatible ones, is difficult and nerve-wracking a the best of times, so you're only articulating what most of us feel! Don't let present lack of success put you off. There are plenty of women who will want to meet a decent bloke like you, it just takes a lot of sifting. Best of luck!
I do understand. Life is not easy... and no one ever said it was. I feel very similar to how you have described yourself most of the time. I guess what it comes down to is you. You were not born with a personality that would be considered 'social butterfly'. You have been cornered by the restrictions cast by your role in society. You have to break the mold. You have to... otherwise you may find yourself repeating this same paragraph in 10 years time... I am not talking about a complete change in personality. That's not realistic. But even small steps make a difference... at least that's what I'm going to do... I want to do more than survive... you know?
Life is about knowledge and truth. Time for reflection, rest and then...creativity!
Isolation is a terrible feeling. Get out in nature and you will feel less alone.
Thanks for being there when I needed you....
much love
=]
xoxoxo
Some of us are destined for happiness, some of us for sadness.
My destiny? Nothingness.
I'm neither alive nor dead, happy nor sad.
I see people but can't be seen.
I touch people but am not felt.
I can hear people but am not heard.
I am nothing - just an object with no matter or material.
Who am I?
My friends call me "loneliness".
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