DESPERATE FOR CHANGE AND A FUTURE
I have only recently discovered this site, and it is refreshing to see that I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. For me I feel totally unlucky, jinxed, call it what you want, but I'm so fed up with life, they say that your either glass half full or half empty, I'm neither. For me life is just no real enjoyment, just levels of negative energy, and some days better than others.
I have considered finishing it all on numerous occasions, the one thing which stops me is my Wife, she's my Soulmate and Best Friend, and the thought of leaving her on her own, upsets me so much, as she doesn't deserve such a selfish act to happen to her. Even now as I right this letter, I struggle to keep back the tears at the thought of us not being together. I'm in my mid 40's and she is 11 years younger, and is certainly the best thing to have come into my miserable life ever.
We met over the internet, she's originally from NZ, and was living on Australia, we married over in Oz 2 years ago, a memorable day.
Meeting her was just what I needed, this happened a year after I broke up from a very destructive longterm relationship of 10 years, also around the sametime as that fell apart I was made redundant from my job in London and I had to sell the apartment, it all became very messy. The previous year my Father had a second stroke which has left him permanently hospitalised now for 8 years. I can't believe he is still hanging on, he needs 24/7 care, can't speak, can't do anything and I miss his counsel greatly.
My ex partner was so negative that she sapped all the postive energy out of me, and in the end I just left, it was either do that or step off the platform one night in front of my train. I really hope she has not ruined anyone else's life.
I realise that saying that sounds so dramatic, and emotive, but that's how I felt then, the spark has now again gone out of my life. When I was made redundant, I was at the top of my game, I'm a very Senior CD level Graphic Designer with over 24 years experience, but I have struggled to find any regular work in the last 6 years, oh and to add to things my business failed, and my wife has supported us through some very dark times financially. I just wish I could get a full-time job again, so we can really start to build our lives again. Without her I would probably be dead before now.
We tried to make a fresh start in Australia 3 years ago, but just as I was about to start a new job, I was rushed into hospital for emergeny heart surgery, which put me out of action for over 2 months, and effectively ended my chances of the job.
Oh it just goes on an on............some smart arse said a few years ago, phew you must be a jonah, not realising that that thinking he was being funny, he might as well as stabbed me straight in the heart.
I have been teaching recently, and have really enjoyed doing this, but I need to get a qualification to carry on. I can't because we don't have the money, and I can't get a grant, because of residency restrictions having been out of the country in the last 3 years, I don't have 3 years continous, so stuffed there as well!
Like I said it just goes on and on...............
You know anyone reading this, might well think, poor sod, or hell, but despite the really dark moments, I do find myself finding some moments of hope, like when I just find myself looking at my Wife and feeling the like the luckiest bloke in the world, or when one of my students who had been struggling, really comes through, is a great feeling. I feel low at the moment, because the course has finished and as yet I don't know what hours I will have next year, and despite all our efforts we are still living at my Mothers, we love her to bits, as she has been very good to my Wife and I, but she drives us round the bend, and is really dragging us down as a result.
I realise that this might sound ungrateful, but we desperately need to get our own place and can't at the moment, because of my lack of work again, and waiting to hear doesn't help me either, as I have to work from home, and it's very difficult, when my Mother is home all day as well.
At the beginning I started out by saying that I feel totally unlucky, but I suppose, it's not always been like that, I met and married a wonderful Woman, had life saving heart surgery and still have my health, hope on the other hand and confidence is another matter and this bloody awful weatherr doesn't help the mood either.
Story shared: 19/07/2007 16:10:18
#172 View the comments about this story depressed - desperate - FED UP WITH LIFE - I WANT A JOB!
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