Alone from the start
As I approach the age of 30 I still have never had a girlfriend, still a virgin, in fact the furthest I have ever been is nothing more then a peck on the lips(which only happened once). To date not one woman has shown any signs of compassion, care, or interest and trust me, that will mess up your insides something fierce.
In high school I was pushed aside to watch the whole class of 300 students lead somewhat normal lives, fall in love, and bond together where everybody knew each other. For one reason or another I didnt fit in any click and faded away into the gray background of the hallway, forgotten before gone. It hurt so much to see the girls give themselves away so freely, to be shut out, and to give everything for nothing. With no one to turn to for advice or help all of lifes lessons were never learned and so much was missed. Never went to the Junior Prom or the Senior Ball, didnt say goodbye to a soul on graduation day, and my year book doesnt have a single signature in it. Tell me what how you would feel about yourself if it was you? Would you feel like me hoping that tomorrow wont come, and that hopefully this is your last day on earth?
I did fall for a girl in 10th grade who was the simple girl next door type but couldnt even get a hello out of her. Trying to impress her I turned to a program outside of school that eventually led to a career. Her name will always haunt me and everyday I walk through that door Im reminded that I do this for her, wherever she is.
Its hard to simply head out and try make friends as Ive been conditioned all through life that I wasnt good enough for anyone (all 300 couldnt have been wrong?), speak only when spoken to, and in general just really learned to hate myself.
I envy anybody whos ever been in love no matter how short or has friends they can turn to, never take that for granted. To never experience something as simple as a smile or a hug can hurt so much leaving one to grow so cold.
My wildest fantasy is just to be loved, just once
You can have everything, but if you dont have love or friends, then you feel like you have nothing.
Story shared: 16/04/2007 22:47:27
Comments
I'm in a similar situation, although I admit that I have had a little more contact with women (ie kisses and mild affection but no sex or love).
As I write this, I am in one of my nastier bouts of depression so, yes, I understand to some extent how a lack of affection can mess someone up. I got into my job not because of a woman but because I needed to either make money or continue tending bars which would probably have ended in my suicide (I also tend to become part of the grey background, so working in bars is depressing, watching other people have fun and meet others).
I hate it when people tell me what I "should" do, so I'm not going to patronise you with that, but here are a few questions I hope you will ask yourself:
a) Is it always true to say "you can have everything... feel like you have nothing"?
b) Who told me that I NEED the companionship of other people? (trust me, someone DID tell you that)
c) What do want? (Not what I think others want from me)
d) If I've been conditioned to think the worst of myself, can I be unconditioned?
e) And if that's true, what else can I change?
There are a lot of good resources on the internet (as well as some crappy ones), so I hope you will continue to reach out.
Take care.
The most honest and heartfelt advice I have to offer you is:
Take a chance, and keep taking chances.
I know it's hard, and even for myself it's easier to type than do, but I know it to be true.
From your words I gather that you feel you have nothing to loose. Well, then what do you have to loose by taking a chance?!
Make "small talk" with your neighbours, smile at every girl you like, make compliments to people you feel deserve one. show tokens of appreciation to people you know aren't being appreciated by most people and whatch the response.
Even if only one out of a hundred chaces pay off, it will be worth it.
If you really have nothing to loose, you can chance it all!
It helps me sometimes to look at life as if it were a movie...
Good luck
PS
I took a chance tonight, gave it my best, it went bad.
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