Late Night Musings of Almost Love
is it worth it?
i drove home tonight changing tracks almost the entire way, trying to find something i could listen to. I finally settled on Tear by the red hot chili peppers. I almost didn't come home. I almost filled up the tank and just kept driving and skipping tracks on the ipod. It was that kind of night.
I guess i probably shouldn't have gone out tonight at all. I was tired already when i left the house. I should have known better. The real problem is that i'm just not together. Emotionally i'm scattered; tired, energized, happy, sad, lonely, depressed, fulfilled, joyful, excited, scared, broken, hopeful. I am all over the place. Why, you might ask? I'll give you three tries, but you are only going to need one - a woman.
Actually, believe it or not it is through no fault of hers that i am feeling this way. It is all me. Have you ever been so consistently disappointed with dating and the opposite sex, that when you do find someone that is truly amazing you just spend your time waiting for the other shoe to fall? I do, i have, i am. Could this be what they mean by a 'self fulfilling prophesy'? No, in the past it hasn't been that way. In the past i was like that loyal old dog that eagerly follows his master to the field out back, not knowing that it is just the muzzle of a rifle that awaits him. I have been shot, time and time again, yet perhaps old dogs can still learn.
Ok, lets back up a bit. You need to understand. There is a girl in my life. Yes, just one; and yes, i am really starting to fall for her. What's worse is that i think she knows it too. No, let me correct that, i'm sure she knows it. i kinda told her. See, that's the problem; i really like her.
I see you still don't understand. It's ok, as i'm not sure if i completely do myself. Let me tell you what it isn't. It isn't that i'm uncomfortable with women. I'm not. I date and it's cool and it is even fun, but most of the women that i date i'm not really that attracted to. That's not good you say? No, see i date them because i think that i might be attracted to them. Consistently they seem to fall short. Now you must be thinking that i am not dating very attractive or interesting women, but let me correct you; i am. I guess possibly i'm just picky, but i really think it is that i have different tastes than most men. There is a specific connection, a specific thing, a certain 'it' that i look for. Let me tell you, it comes along once in a blue moon. For those of you that don't already know, a 'blue moon' is when a month has two full moons. This happens approximately every 1.4 years. Yeah, that sounds about right for me. Well, this girl, my blue moon, has recently come along.
I can tell that as you read this you are all sitting on the edge of your seats in anticipation. Let's put that to rest right now then. There is no conclusion to this story. It is still in the making.
Ok, so back to the 'Blue Moon Girl'. I guess i'm just scared. Scared of what you might you might ask? Well, i'm not sure if i am more scared to commit or that she won't want to commit. I think it is both.
Back to the dog analogy, i am full aware that that rifle more than likely is waiting for me out back, but i'll go into this anyway. Perhaps i'm just a sucker for punishment. Perhaps i'm just a foolish dreamer. "I can deal with it, i'm strong"; i tell myself in my mind a dozen times before i can bear to write it down here.
Am i strong? Or am i just scared and lonely like a beaten child? Perhaps a little of both. Ok, ok, it is a lot of both.
I guess the root question is, is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I would definitely choose love-and-lose to never-love-at-all, but i think there is a loophole somewhere here. For example, does that apply to unrequited love as well? I think the problem with that question is the word 'lost'. Replace 'lost' with 'lied to' or 'taken for granted'. Perhaps replace it with 'cheated on' or 'strung along'. Is it still worth it? That seems a mighty high price. The Romantic Idealist in me (which is the side that usually wins when it comes to matters of the heart) says "Yes!" while the rest of me goes along with it, but it is still a mighty hard pill to swallow.
Now as i calm down a bit i read over what i have written and it seems that i am being a bit alarmist. I mean, the past experiences that i have alluded to have been with different people at different places and at a different time. I guess what i am really worried about isn't getting burnt in the end. i would rather i didn't, but if it happens, it happens. What i am really worried about is getting burnt before there is even a real beginning. That is what i'm scared of. that is what i don't think i could handle.
I really feel like this is a very special girl. I hope i don't go down in flames, but if i do go down it'll be with my eyes open.
-----------------------------------
One last thought. It doesn't really apply, but it came to mind when i was writing and i wanted to share it with you -
Once i read that "there is no love so complete, so strong, as that of a mother cat dying to save her kittens."
Good night.
Story shared: 02/03/2007 10:01:12
#104 View the comments about this story love - relationship - dating - women
Comments
Add you're comment